Giving Back For Real

I am a big believer in Pay It Forward. The idea that I can pass on what I have so generously been given resonates with me in a way that only an underdog can appreciate. Being able to share experiences and inspire others to the greatness is divinely inspired.

There is a cry out there for help. Lots of non-profits out there are geared toward helping women from financially disadvantaged situations gain education and worthwhile employment. These women are largely single and have not had the privilege of secondary education, if they have even finished High School. Crittendon Women's Union in Boston, MA. is such an organization. Advocacy, education, family services and temporary housing are the mainstays that help disadvantage women regain financial independence.

What does an organization like this need? Perhaps you guessed, volunteers. Volunteers, ladies. I know how busy a working woman is these days. Believe me, I have to schedule a simple coffee with my cousin at least 6-weeks in advance. I could lay the ole' 'If it were you...' thing on you if it were that simple, but it isn't. What is behind volunteering to help a woman in these organizations is breaking the cycle for her children. You are helping a mom be able to be with her children, show kids that their mom can achieve despite the odds, prove the value of education and help a family flourish. The future of our country depends on as many children (especially in urban areas) see the value of education and nuclear family as we can. In a time of educational turmoil where extra-curricular activities and art-based programs are being cut from school budgets children need to see the benefits of sticking with their educational career. Nothing will help them see that than a mom who has worked hard and seen it pay off. These women are desperate for a successful woman to take an interest in them and show them that they too are worthwhile and can add value to society not matter what their past has looked like.

What can you do? Volunteering can be as simple as being available to help with resume writing, teaching computer skills or being a supportive ear. Programs for At Risk Families can be found by calling your state department or a simple web search. Some programs are only looking for 1-4 hours of your time a month. The rewards are so monumental. Giving back what you have been given, imparting wisdom, helping someone have a future, to me is worth more than any lost hour spent in front of the TV.

You can also give back and help out politically if mentoring and teaching is not your speed. The AFL-CIO has a wealth of information on how you can get involved politically to protect the rights of working families, particularly the working poor. If you'd also like to see how our presidential candidates stack up on these issues, I invite you to log on to the AFL-CIO website to find out more.

Ladies, we can't progress as a nation unless we are all progressing together. What we do today to inspire, esteem, educate will dictate the future of our nation. They are not someone else's family, the are 'We the People' of the United States of America.

I have recently signed on to be a mentor for the local Home for Little Wanderers. This organization houses, educates, counsels and finds foster and adoptive homes for in some cases, children who have been abandoned by their families. These young men and women are in great need of an adult who can show them they are worth the time, the energy and the love. An ounce of prevention in my opinion. The direction and love I show now may mean another young lady doesn't wind up on the streets or worse. If I can reach just one it will be worth it.

Please find it in your heart to give back? Haven't you been given so much?

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new boss proved fruitless. The first day came and went with no new boss. I asked the General Manager what the hold up was. "You didn't get my email?" he chirped? She had rescinded her acceptance of the offer. The excuse? Her current employer countered with a $60,000 increase in her salary. I don't buy excuse for a second but I am a skeptic. If it's true, I would love to know what it would take to get a job there.

Since I was next in line for the throne, I awaited my next meeting with my supervisor on the subject at hand. That also came and went. I wondered of course, where did it go? I had to find out. I consulted one of my known offices sources for information. I asked my friend Donna who was helping with the interview process of new managers. She'd know. I usually saddle up to her cube in the morning for daily pleasantries over coffee so she'd suspect nothing of my inquiry. "So what happened to Kathryn?" I aske with raised eyebrows and an innocent twist to my face. "She changed her mind" she flatly replied, also adding "they gave an offer to the other guy." Other guy?! What other guy? The other guy is the gentleman that no one liked when they interviewed him. Why hadn't they gone back to me? That would be the natural question. Donna also helped the angst by asking me the very question, "Didn't they come back to you?" I hated to answer. I could hardly lift my eyes from the floor. Chewing my lip, I bid her 'good day' and went back to me desk dazed by the unanswered questions in my mind.

The phone rang about a week later. It was my friend Allison. I used to work with Allison. We were office mates. She was my mentor early on in my career. I prize my relationship with Allison, maybe even a little more than she does. We have been friends through job changes, moves, marriages, divorces, kids, you name it. I count on her counsel. While we are close, we haven't spoken much lately in the last year or so. It was good to hear from her until the end of our conversation. Just as we were winding down she asked me why I didn't tell her that I had applied for the Sales Manager position at my office. She previously held that position in another office so it would make sense to ask me how come I didn't tell her. I matter of factly replied that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next few sentences leveled me. She said, "You don't want that job, in fact that is what I told Jay (the Assistant General Manager in charge of the hiring for the job I wanted) when I saw him last week." I couldn't breathe. She went on, "I told him that he knew you wouldn't be happy in that job and he agreed after I talked to him." I was stunned. I must have looked like someone hit me with a brick. Holding the phone to my ear, my eyes darted back and forth as I listened. I was desperately trying to find something to say. I couldn't. I couldn't interject, yell, scream, cry or laugh. Me, the one with the quick lines and the great comebacks had nothing. I wanted to ask a question. Why would she do that? Why would she stand in the way of a promotion I wanted? Why in the world would she say something like that after the roller coaster ride I had gone through of being interviewed, rejected, awaiting the boss who's job I wanted, then hearing that she'd rescinded and not getting a second shot. After all this, why? It was pretty simple really. Her conversation with my boss, Jay, was meant to be candid and meaningless but in the end, it was the damning conclusion that my might-have-been promotion came to.

So it ends? This remains to be seen. Now, I get to face the next new boss, candidate #3. The boss who's job I wanted, who wasn't even a consideration until one innocent conversation took me out of the race. I believe in nothing happens for a reason but still, it smarts.

Character: When No One Knows You

It's interesting to me how many facets a person has. There is the Work Me, Mommy Me, Wife Me, Daughter Me, Friend Me, Sales Rep Me, then there is the me that the world sees. The world who doesn't know me. That Me is a face in the crowd. The world's only opinion of that Me is squarely grounded on what kind of experience they have with me whether it be calling a customer service line to complain about my cell phone service (or lack there of) or responding back to the checkout girl at the grocery store with "I am good and how are you?".

I am always baffled when I startle a store clerk out of their customer greeting routine by not only answering their stale "how are you today?" with "good, how are you?" and actually look at the questioner and wait for a response. You'd be amazed at the smiles and levity in the conversation during my grocery bagging time between me and the checkout personnel. They even remember me when I come in. Why? Because that Me was a good experience and they are more or less expecting that Me to come back when they see my face in the store again. They wouldn't expect any less. To them I am a "nice lady".

Let's reverse it. What if they asked the time worn question again and I responded by raising my voice and complaining that the grocery carts were all wet from being left out in the rain, I couldn't find my favorite yogurt and that there were not enough lines open at checkout for the 100th time. They'd remember me alright and they'd be hoping I didn't come in when they were working! My face in their line would be met with distress and sighing. They would think I was a miserable person who was out to make everyone in my path join me in my bitterness. What a thought. Do you think those out there that complain and shout get up the morning and say, "Gees who can I make miserable today? Let's spin the Wheel of Misery and find out! OH! It's the grocery store clerk today." You would think so if they always came in with a sour lemon face and a porcupine personality.

It can be so easy to get messed up in problems of the day, week, life and find yourself in that little self-focused bubble that helps you forget everyone around you. It seems that the worst day of your life has an interesting way of being met with the newspaper sales person who has called you at dinner time for the umpteenth time this year. Wait...pause...breathe. Boy, it would be so easy to fire off and hang up. Who are you hanging up on? A single mom who hasn't seen her kids all day working a 3rd job to make ends meet? A kid who is trying to put himself through college? A person whos best friend died just days ago? We never think about these scenarios when faced with the anonymous person who interacts with us. To us, they are Anonymous Them and we have no idea who they are. To them we are Anonymous Us, the unfeeling, uncaring person who treats them like garbage for inconveniencing us.

Next time someone asks "how are you?" please recognize the person behind the question and the job and answer with a smile. There is a person behind that face. That life that has seen all kinds of things and you just will never know where they have been but trust me, they've been there. How do I know? Because I've "been there". Haven't we all? How about a smile and a "hello" for the office cleaning personnel whom you know doesn't speak english. It doesn't matter if they know what you said or how to respond. A smile is universal, everyone knows that language. There should be National Smile Day. I think we would all feel better.

Career on the Back Burner?

At the behest of his wife, my husband has been pursuing a different employer as his current position, while solid and benefit laden, offers no room for advancement and little job satisfaction. It is one of those jobs that his father's generation would have envied, in fact his father is pretty incensed that he would like to leave. Why would he want to with a pension, a cost of living increase of 1% every two years, discounts galore at local merchants, etc. Problem is, he hates it and he'll be there a million years before he ever gets a promotion because no one leaves. It's a graveyard and he knows it.

He is meeting this week with a new employer and the HR department to discuss salary for his new position. This could be a really nice increase, a chance to work at a world-renowned hospital and opportunities to do the kind of work he has been wanting to get into. This of course is what I wanted for him. I am thrilled that he has this opportunity and especially more money, to be honest.

His brainstorming over dinner took me by surprise. He excitedly guessed at what he would likely be offered, what they would say and when he would start. Of course, I hope all of his guess work becomes reality, except for one. His announcement that with what he should be making that I can leave my full-time position and that I wouldn't need to work full-time. Uh, did I say I wanted to give up my career entirely?! Wasn't it him that up until recently said, "Britt, you know you are not the kind of person to be relegated to the barracks every day". He balked when I wanted to stay home initially after I had my daughter two years ago. In fact, we even had some pretty heated arguments about it. I reluctantly went back to the office. Now, I enjoy my work and my brain exercise that I get every day. Getting dressed for the office does have its 'feel good about yourself' perks as well.

I had only days ago mentioned to him, the idea that I had of offering my consulting skills to my current employer on a part-time basis. I thought if I could offer them my skills part-time and also secure other part-time work with other locations also consulting I would have exactly what I wanted. I would have full-time pay and the flexibility to work from home full-time and have the full say on how, where and when I worked. I thought it sounded great! Now, the idea is talked down to and something I should only seek out if it is going to be full-time.

This dinosaur is just not ready for the bone yard. I know that I can do rewarding work, balance my life with my family and earn an income and it doesn't mean waiting tables unless I want to. I resent the idea that I have to either pursue a full-time career at a full-time job with no flexibility or work at the local diner. I think taking your talents and turning them into "be your own boss" money-making is genius and I know lots of women who do it.

Does it always have to be a choice?

Your thoughts:

New Boss Woman Cometh

Yesterday was a blissful day. A day of purging closets, toy boxes and all out onslaught of cleaning. I love these days, the feeling of bagging up that which has overstayed its welcome in my closets and donating it to be adopted by the next person. I would prefer the recipient to be a person in need. The feeling of passing on gives me a lift as I put things into bags and discover clothes I thought I got rid of by accident lurking in the back corners of my closet. After I moved the clothes around I got out the cleaning supplies, the smell of clean wafted around my house.

I was just on my last carpet to vacuum when I remember what tomorrow was. The new boss's first day. I was gripped a little by the tightness in my throat recalling this ominously approaching day. I thought I had gotten over this looming emotion of "what will she think of me?" and "what will she be like?". I wanted to wear the big girl panties, strut in there with hand extended and heartily welcome her aboard despite my losing the position to her only weeks ago.

I had visions of me being the oak tree of fortitude and integrity on her first day. No worries here, glad to have her better still. Maybe she would ask me for a hand? All would see, I was the better for the whole experience. The sweat on my palms as I almost rammed the vacuum into my closet door reminded me that I wasn't quite out of the woods of post promotion -losing scorn. I hated myself for the realization.

It is amazing how I seemed to take great care in doing my hair and makeup Monday morning. Even if I did lose the position to her, I could still be the better looking one. That would really chap her! How juvenile I can be in moments of insecurity. I made sure I was pressed, polished and in early.

I sat write down and started charging through work. I chirped on and on with each call to my client base. She would see just what an asset I was. I hoped she would considering I had spent my whole drive in with day nightmares that the first thing she would do was fire me before her morning coffee so as to make an example and get rid of the one she knew would give her trouble. She got the job, no need to see me going around sulking. Yes, she would cut the fat right then and there. I would be the sacrificial lamb to the rest of the sales team a sign that she meant business about turning this department around. Either take heed or meet the same fate. That was my morning, I barely paid attention to what was on the radio over the incessant rambling and scenarios in my head. My new boss would be like Leona Helmsley as far as my imagination was concerned.

I heard this new voice over the cube walls all morning. She sounded nice. Sweet even. I dared not go over. Then, why did no one take her around and introduce her? The suspense was killing me. Around 10AM I swallowed hard and walked over. Smoothing out my dress, I plastered on a smile and peered around the cube wall. I was greeted by the Marketing Manager and...her new report.

I was wrong about today, the new boss woman starts on Thursday. All that gut-turning nonsense for nothing. It taught me one thing though. If I think I am the nirvana-like mature one in the office, I better think again. Boss Helmsley or not, I can meet her with dignity or go in swinging and lose the respect of many. I like the Jackie O. look better than the Tanya Harding look any day of the week.

When the Love is Gone at the Office

I have been working for my current employer for the past 5 years. It is actually 7 years if you count the two years I spent at their San Francisco Bay Area office. When I first started, I was a former EMT who had recently moved from Boston. I couldn’t work on an ambulance in California so I needed a career change. A friend had mentioned that one of his senior sales reps needed an assistant at his company. I didn’t know anything about working in an office or selling IT stuff but I did know I needed money so off I went to work for “Nick” answering phones and helping customers with questions.
My awkward first week turned into a goldmine. I went on to work for other reps and with the last rep I worked for I increased his sales by 50% in 6 months. Next I knew, the company was asking me to work for them as a rep. Me! I was so excited. I was in heaven. I was making more money than some of my friends who were lawyers and doctors. I couldn’t believe they paid me for this.
The “Dot Bomb” happened and I relocated back home. Now I had experience. I had clout. I had the most important thing when looking for another lucrative sales job; I had credibility and a good track record. The long hours and ulcer inducing work life were no sweat for me. I made up for it in late night outings with my coworkers drinking cosmopolitans and smoking cigarettes for dinner. As far as I was concerned, I arrived. But the Dot.com implosion continued right up until 9-11 where things got worse in the IT industry from there.
No worries, I landed back with my first company where I had started as a sales rep. The general manager at the Boston office knew me, heard of my success and was eager to bring me on board as a consultant helping his slumping sales ramp up quickly and train his current reps in a more consultative approach of which I basically pioneered in the Bay Area.
What could be better? I could be paid to tell other people how to do the work, participate when people came to me for answers and become an overpaid know-it-all. But life just doesn’t sustain that way, especially when pride and laziness are involved and I was no exception to the rule. 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant I had a meeting with general manager and the sales manager and me. I was told that they couldn’t financially sustain my position but that I brought interesting skills and knowledge to the company and they didn’t want to let that go. I was demoted (in my mind) to a sales rep again. I was not too happy to be doing the grunt work. I hadn’t done it in almost 3 years. I didn’t want to either but with a baby coming; I was in just as interesting a situation as I was when I started with this company in California. I needed money more than I needed to be comfortable in a position. Once again I reluctantly agreed.
Two years later, I hate it. I can’t do the long hours and I can’t have a cosmo and a smoke for dinner when I leave the office at 10PM on a Tuesday. I can’t even have a beer with coworkers after work without a two-week notice. After all, I am needed at home with my baby and I hate not being able to see her off to bed. No one asks me to lunch or out for drinks. I am too busy working to make up for the shortened hours. I used to be the “cool kid” in San Fran now I am the square mom. My how things have changed. I am looking for a job with a better commute, maybe out of direct sales but I come with so many caveats now. I can’t be in before 8:30, I can’t work past 5. I can’t travel a lot, and I’d like to work from home one or two days a week if I can. I really do need a flex-spending account and good healthcare. Notably, I am a little nervous. Do I still have what it takes to be the #1 sales rep in the office again? Do I want to be?
I am feeling washed up, used up and cranky lately but I am still being paid to do a job. I want to do a good job but I am wading through emotional marshmallow trying to rally and motivate. I think the key to getting through it is to just be honest about it. I am not pretending it’s okay. I show up, I do the job and I go home. I talk honestly with my friends and husband about how I feel and I keep it to myself at work. Maybe this feeling will pass or it won’t but whatever happens, I don’t want my integrity tarnished as a result of how I feel. No one admires a coworker who habitually complains about being unhappy and ‘looking’. Just because I don’t feel like a million bucks every morning at work doesn’t mean I need to make everyone around my cube feel miserable for it.

CareerMomma Goes on Vacation

The Vacationing Business Momma
I haven’t had a vacation since my maternity leave, if you’d like to call that a vacation. When the proposition was made for me and my family to join 9 other families for a beautiful vacation on Cape Cod, naturally we enthusiastically accepted. When I thought of my impending trip on the 6 long months leading up to it, my mind would drift back to my childhood. My grandparents had a beach house on Cape Cod that we spent much of our summers at. The salt air, steamed lobster dinners, walks down the beach at night, the sea air mustiness about everything you could smell, and my favorite, hydrangeas. My grandmother had a gigantic hydrangea bush. With all those memories whirling around in great anticipation, I could almost feel the sun on my face during my long miserably cold New England winter. My trip to “The Cape” would be oceanside nirvana.
I seemed to fail to comprehend all that I’d need to pack and prepare, that is up until a week or so before our trip. Traveling for two was relatively easy in vacations past. This time, I had a toddler and all the necessary toddler things to take with us on the h 1.5 hours drive to our destination. Thank goodness our travel time was short because with the entire load of luggage, toys, travel crib, stroller and all kinds of other paraphernalia I was getting worried that my small family of 3 wasn’t going to fit into my modestly sized SUV. I never thought I’d have a use for that factory-installed roof rack until now.
When I told my friends that I would be vacationing with 9 other couples, most of them with at least 1 child, I would get a look of fright from my listeners as I chirped on about my trip. “Are you sure that this is a good idea?” or “Have you done this with them before?” were some common questions I got. I waved them off. No, this was going to be a marvelous vacation, despite any problem child or personality that may be vacationing with me. The personality and problem child I didn’t anticipate would be my gorgeous little sweet baby girl. What in the world happened to this child from the time we left the house until the minute we walked up the stairs to our living quarters is beyond me. My smiley, bright blue-eyed little darling developed a severe attitude problem over the course of the next 72 hours. Frequent whining, crying and a few all out nuclear meltdowns threatened the Zen-like morning coffees that I envisioned. The only thing that seemed to work for my precious Butter Cup was stroller walks through and around town. This is great for both of us actually. She gets to calm down and enjoy some scenery and I get my exercise in. I didn’t know that I could walk 10 miles a day and still be able to stand but I have proved that I can on this trip. I gladly spent 10 bucks on silly shark-faced bubble blower at a 5 and dime in order to keep her toddler tantrums at bay one morning. Money well spent to not hear shrieking from the stroller.
I also seemed to not comprehend that the world doesn’t have Wi-Fi in every corner. I came to this stark realization when I remembered it was Monday and I had articles due to my publishers and no way to send them. A little exploring revealed that the local library has Wi-Fi in this sleepy little village-by-the-sea. I promised that I would not check work email, and I haven’t. I can’t anyway so there is no fighting it. The office will have to carry on without me. I am sure that it will anyway, despite my long list of “make sures” for my support person and my colleague who is caring for me client base whilst I beach this week.

The nirvana vacation in seaside utopia is neither of those terms but it has been fun, challenging, exhausting, hysterical and chaotic with times of relaxation and quiet mixed in. All things considered, I still wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I am however, for once in a long time just a teeny bit looking forward to the office next week and of course, sporting my new tan.

Lessons in Losing

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. It sounds trite but it is simple advice that can really change your life if it is put into application. You need to pause between the words 'lose' and 'don't'. If you don't pause, you will lose the lesson in "don't lose the lesson".

I was approached by my supervisor a couple of weeks ago. He is my supervisor now but until just 3 or 4 weeks ago, he was my peer. An announcement came out of nowhere from our General Manager that my friend had received a promotion to Assistant General Manager. I was thrilled for him. A little confused by why we needed another layer of management between the Sales department and the General Manager but I was sure they had their reasons and he deserved it. Life was good at work.

About a week later, I was approached by my friend-turned-supervisor about a promotion opportunity for me. He eagerly told me that my name had come up at the recent management meeting as a likely and stellar candidate for the open Sales Manager position. It was a little awkward for him to bring it up because as my friend, he knew that I was looking to pursue another opportunity and wasn't sure that I would want it and if I didn't how would he smoothly convey that message to the General Manager without tipping my hand that I might be leaving.

I wasn't sure I wanted it. I stood my ground on my flexible schedule. The General Manager doesn't like flexible schedules as a general rule and also demolished the ability to work from home on a regular basis shortly after she was hired. I said to my friend, "not one more hour in the office, not one". My hours are 9 to 4 and that won't change. I went on to say inspirational things like leading a team means you don't have to manage metrics and inspiring greatness corrects attitude problems and overcomes ruts. Coaching would be my staple, my mainstay. I was hired by the company originally to analyize, assess and build strategies for these sales reps. before so I had worked in that kind of role with them. They knew me. They knew me for the last 5 years. They know the knowledge, the skill, the commitment, etc. I had done a pretty good job of swaying my supervisor, as well as, me.

The next week was a high. In my mind, I had the job in the bag. So did a lot of people. Congratulations came cross-departmentally from other managers. It seemed as though the interviewing process was just a formality on the way to assention within the organization. Sure, I took my interview seriously as I would any other although I wasn't nervous. I didn't flinch when my coworkers interviewed me. Life was good at work. In fact, why did I ever think of leaving?

Last week slapped me in the face. I knew my competitor for the position was from the outside. She was a General Manager at a company who is in a related industry. Her company's focus was, however to sell to the consumer. My company's bread and butter is the B2B space. I wasn't rocked. Not until Friday when my friend had to explain to me at 2PM that the interviewing coworkers wanted to go with her. That stung. She had a lot of experience with managing people. I didn't understand why that mattered, lots of Sales managers have come and gone in my organization since I have been there and only two were effective. That is two out of about 7. The last 3 were a blur because they offered nothing and didn't even make a smudge mark on the organization as a whole.

My friend assured me that she would probably come in too high on compensation and that the position would still be mine. Great, now I am sloppy seconds. Not what I had anticipated. I was 'better than nothing'. That isn't what anyone said but that is how I felt. I didn't want to the be consolation prize. I wanted to cry, go home, be angry, hate my coworkers, withdraw. Oh would this day end already? The final hour of work just couldn't finish fast enough.

I rallied on Monday morning on my way into work. I could have the job still, it wasn't so bad was it? So I wasn't the first choice. I would prove myself then! Yes, in time they would see that I really was the best choice. They would be so thankful that it worked out the way it did.

Turn the other cheek. The second slap came so hard that I couldn't breathe for a second. Did that just happen? The conversation I heard left me feeling stunned and bleeding. "Amanda, can you set up the cube for the new Sales manager?" She replied, "Yes. Is her name Kathryn?" (by the way, that isn't me) He chirps back, "Yes". Mind you, I sit on the other side of the cube wall from Amanda and right behind my friend. So I didn't inadvertantly walk in on someone's conversation in their office, it happened right in front of me.

Still maintaining somewhat of a composure, although I wanted to run out of the office crying, I instant messaged my ex-friend now supervisor. "Not for nothing, but it would have been nice if you had taken me aside to tell me that I didn't get the position before I had to witness your conversation with Amanda." He bounded over to my cube with a half-eaten granola bar in hand, almost laughing his response through his mouth full of breakfast, "Oh, sorry Britt. Well, you know with everything that I have been doing lately, it just slipped my mind". I couldn't even look at him when I replied "OK". I wanted to leave all day. I wanted to yell, tell everyone what a horrible person he was, what injustice was done to me. I wanted to know that I didn't appreciate such a lack of respect and I wasn't putting up with it! I spoke to my coach/mentor on the way home and delivered my sad story. She simply said, "Do you think this is something you can laugh about one day?" Alyce just has a way of disarming me and helping me listen, focus and really evaluate a situation in about 2 seconds. Everyone needs an Alyce. "Maybe tomorrow, Alyce" was all I could muster but I had to take a look at what the problem really was.

I was mad because I was too over confident and proud about my accomplishments and naturally assumed that no one could possibly do it any better. I expected that my friendships at my office would earn me the job or make up for a lack of something should another candidate come along. I was wrong. My coworkers are just like me. They are tired of ineffective Sales Managers and they want change. Me too. I am not saying I can't do it or I am not capable. My coworkers want to see if Kathryn has what it takes to turn this ship around. I would want that too.

I also spoke to another trusted advisor, my coworker Dan. Dan is old enough to be my father but worldly and experienced at life enough to relate to anyone. Dan and I spoke and I, as diplomatically as I could, expressed my concern. He quelled my hesitation in embracing Kathryn by simply telling me that if I really wanted to see in our sales organization what I think needs to happen to be successful, that Kathryn has also stated similiar concerns and has conveyed a confidence that she can do it. Dan said without saying aloud, "Britt, keep your mind open and give her the fair chance she deserves". After all, I made similiar statements to lots of coworkers when new Sales Managers came in. Don't prejudge, think openly. Wouldn't I want someone to embrace me in a new job? Of course I would! The team is salty from a lot of change in its organization, she is faced with a lot. I can be a help or a hinderance, I'd rather be a help.

Dan and I also spoke about some of my personal shortcomings as of late. He simply stated, as is his way, "apply what you know". Use the skill and the knowledge you have and demonstrate that it is a successful way to do business. I can do that, Dan. Help where needed but take care of your job role first. Wise advice, Dan.

So, I met with my friend and supervisor this afternoon to go over some things we needed to cover. Honestly, he looked relieved that we didn't have to break up a friendship over the events of this month and that he was forgiven for his gaff. I was relieved too.

The lesson -dignity and grace go a long way and be open to change even if it isn't what you expected.

I am glad that I got through this with honesty, integrity and authenticity. Considering the alternative, I can still walk into my office with my head up and eager to put to action all my great ideas...for my own success...for now.

Political Incorrectness of Working Families

When Will Working Mothers Get Respect? I thought even for an edgy, opinionated writer that the title was well, a little too edgy and begging for daggered comments. Not so! I was enjoying the rather congratulatory comments, except for one. The commenter and I briefly volleyed and then one return comment crushed my spirit. Something to the effect of evaluating the working parent based on performance rather than on hours spent in the office was something to strive for but we, the United States, just wasn't there yet. Gasp! Not there yet? This is an idea who's time has not yet come? I retreated to think about what was said. Was I just too advant garde? Not even close.

Truth is, The United States business leaders opinions and practices toward the treatment of their working families is actually quite antiquated. In fact, over 169 countries across the globe have by far longer maternity leaves, guaranteed return employment even up to 2 years, government subsidized maternity financial benefits to ease the loss of income and even paternity leaves in some cases up to two months if the mother returns back to work. Those who may be scoffing at my data need only look to last month's Glamour magazine. Sweden still does corner the market on the Family Friendly government and I say Kudos to you Sweden! Not only do you give us IKEA but also hope that one day our own government will wake up around here and take a look at how other countries help their families 'across the pond'.

So how do our current presidential candidates stack up?

John McCain:
Now, I didn't expect to find some great forward-thinking ideas from the McCain camp on this topic and they didn't dissappoint. Some weak promises that soon became "No Comment" when pressed for more information. Seems as though McCain's interests aren't really for the working family, America. No big surprise there.

Barack Obama:
Ideas? He had a laundry list. A big list at that and I would be the first to slap him on the back and say, "well done" except for the fact that he has not been elected yet. We won't know whether or not he will make good on any of these ideas until he sits in the oval office, should he be elected. The other disturbing bit of info on our for-the-working-family man here is that he has yet to bring a bill before the senate. He is quite factually a novice at this kind of thing.

What is my prognosis? It is the same it always has been as far as I am concerned. Historically change at the local/state level that gets good press and has good success gets noticed nationally. When it gets noticed nationally, other states look to make similiar changes. When that happens, US government takes notice. If you doubt my theory may I remind you that I live in Massachusetts. Gay couples are more than welcome to obtain a marriage license and have an honest and legal marriage in this state. However, don't think of swinging by the convenience store for a quick pick up of champagne on your way to Town Hall for the important piece of paper, you can't buy alcohol of any kind in a convenient store here. Massachusetts legalized gay marriage and now others have or are heavily in the process of doing so. Who would have guessed it just 5 years ago that gay marriage would be a legal reality and that I still couldn't buy beer at the Quickie Mart?

Bearing that in mind, government for working families, policies to protect their rights and incent businesses to take care of them isn't at all new but it certainly would be improved.

Balancing the Gas Budget

I was greeted this morning at my cube by two members of my Customer Service team who had asked me if I saw the news this morning. I have to admit that I don't like starting my day out with the news. It is usually only bad news and I'd rather my bad news in small doses to seep in throughout the day rather than one solid hour injected into my brain first thing in the morning. The look on their faces told me that bad news was about to be shared and I'd better take notice.

The gas prices, they stammered, projected to double or triple by the end of the summer. I didn't have time for math, my Customer Service Manager did it for me. $8-$12 a gallon. Okay, is that pesos? Lira? No, that is good 'ole US dollars. With those prices, I can't afford to drive to work. I already pay more for gas between me and my husband than our food budget. In fact, I pay one and a half months groceries in gas every month. Wondering why your food bill is higher lately? Thank our oil friends. Barely made it through last season's oil bill? Start saving now.

What is a mom to do with the gas prices off the charts and a job to get to? For some, an office job does allow the capabilities to work from home or at least remotely for one or two days a week. If ever there was a time to negotiate your flexible/work from home schedule now would be a great time to have a sit-down with the boss.

There is a strategy for this. The art of negotiation comes into play here. You can ask for what you want without making it seem like a demand or an ultimatum to the head Honcho. In negotiations, both sides compromise in order to reach an agreed upon settlement. That means, you will need to be willing to give up something as well in order to reach an agreed settlement in having flexibility in your work schedule.

The most important thing to stress to the boss is that you both want the same thing. What do you both want? You want the job done successfully. That means on time, on budget and at the same performance level and quality that they are convinced they would get if you were in the office. You need to be able to convey this message first. "Bob, I want to do as great a job for you as I have always done. I understand how valuable I am to your team and I have enjoyed your confidence in me as an employee" This says: "I do a great job, you know I do a great job, I understand that my value may cause you to hesitate on my request but you are confident in me and I value keeping that." Now the situation, "The current cost of transportation to the office has caused a great strain on my finances and I wondered if we could sit down and discuss some options to alleviate that before I consider asking for a raise in salary to meet the recent uptick in my cost of living." This says: "I still love my job but I am having a hard time paying to get to the office and I would like to find a solution in order for you to not have to pay extra for me to work here." Usually, bosses are greatly open to finding a solution to any problem that does not impact their budgetary constraints.

Offer a trial period. Let management know that you can show them it can be successful in a certain time period. If it isn't, they haven't bought into anything they can't go back on. Providing flex time isn't like a committment to marriage but you would almost sense that is the feeling when it gets brought up! Ask the boss how they would measure success. Create a plan that includes what you will be doing for a flex schedule, how long the trial will be and what the successful picture would look like when you reach the end of the trial period. Be prepared with a draft of your plan before your sit-down. Overcoming objections early is key to getting a "yes". Convey that your draft is what it is, a draft. You will create a final plan that accommodates their needs as well as yours and you will both have a copy of it.

For some, being out of the office is not necessarily an option. Consider asking for longer hours in favor of a day off once a week or twice a month or the possibility of taking work home that can be done at home. If all else fails, see how carpooling or public transportation may work in getting to work without destroying your financial stability.

The news is not projecting any relief any time soon on our gas crisis. Proactively finding a reasonable solution may just help both you and your employer wade through this time without panic ensuing. You might be surprised how open Management may be to the change if they haven't been before.

If you do have success, please share it with me!

The Critic's Report on OnRamps and Detours Forum

I had been waiting in great anticipation to attend last week's OnRamps and Detours Forum at Bentley College in Waltham, MA. This forum was to be the "meeting of the minds" for women in the boston area on the topic of women returning to the workplace after taking a career break to care for their families. I couldn't wait to hear what was going to be said. There would be Keynotes, break-out sessions and rubbing elbows with local women in business. What could be better for a budding Working Families' Issues politician such as myself?
(cue the Star Spangled Banner, please)

Bright-eyed and somewhat bushy-tailed (I could have used more coffee and a printer that actually printed out my directions which ended up making me a little late), I practically ran into the Executive Dining Room at Bentley College. Bentley is a gorgeous small campus school that is known for Business and Financial studies. The first up was keynote speaker Sheila Lirio Marcelo, Founder and CEO of Care.com. They are a wonderful solution that helps families find quality child and elder care. I listened intently to her story of how and why she started her company. She is a vibrant, tidy intellectual who knows how to deliver a motivational talk. I was entranced, she was me I was thinking, right up until she started talking about her hours worked per day. A mere 12-15 did she say? Wow, that is a lot of hours spent at the office. I checked my program, she did have children, right? Doing my math, factoring in my hellish commute and hours my daughter spends sleeping that would equate to zero hours spent with Carli during the week. That's right, I said zero.

I was thinking she was the exception to the norm, unfortunately I was wrong. Plenty of women who spoke that day were working long hours, some had full-time nannies, or travelled very often. By very often I mean at least a week to sometimes two each month. Oh my stars!

I had recently turned down two job opportunities because I was required to be travelling a minimum of 5-7 times a quarter. That really means 5-7 times as long as nothing else comes up. That comes out to 7-9 times a quarter because, let's face facts, with Client Management something always comes up. Were the salaries sky-scraper high? You bet they were! I was just not willing to be away from my family that often no matter what they paid. To me, it just wasn't worth it. My pursuit is to help educate employers to get their heads around the idea of work/life balance not "say good bye to your family".

I realize not everyone shares my thoughts on travel and hours worked. Here is my conundrum. Do these mother/leaders in business offer real work/life balance solutions at their workplaces given that their sense of balance and involvement may be a bit skewed in light of their back-breaking schedules? I hope so, I really hope so. Otherwise, we really aren't offering much hope. It is up to us, gals, to make a better place in business for our daughters, should they choose to have children and also a career. I am convinced you can still do both. Do both sides have to give to make it work? Yes, they do. You can't pour two 2-litre bottles into a 16-ounce glass and not have a lot of spillage and mess! The point is, and I will pseudo-quote Sheila of Care.com here, you have to accept imperfection. If you want to do it perfectly, just save yourself a lot of frustration and accept that you won't. And it's okay.

Overall, the forum was wonderful. The forum's creator Meghan McCartan, was engaging, smart and amazingly hospitible despite running around like a crazy person, making sure everything was going smoothly. (I think Mom's have a PhD in that though) She brought together some great talent and tremendous role models who had very relevant things to say. The caliber of attendee was also outstanding. The group was big enough but not too large to be intimidating.
Well, done indeed, Meghan. One thing I would like to see is some Mom Business Leaders speak about successful Work/Life Balance programs for next year. I really don't feel like that happened last week.

Some sites of mention:

www.onrampsforum.com -find out more about an OnRamps forum in your area
www.forms4parents.com -founded by an attorney, legally sound agreements for childcare
www.educationandjuvenilelaw.com -specializing in Special Education law and consultation

Is The Part-Time Working Mom Really Helping?

Work from home part-time?

I am not talking about the mom who works part-time somewhere to fulfill a part-time role. I am talking about a mom who stays at home and works part-time to fulfill part of a full-time role for next to no pay so she can fill some weird void.

I have been conversing with a gentleman lately who is also pre-launch with his company. He had been asking me about my mission. He was very excited to forward me an article from the Wall Street Journal on Stay-at-Home Moms who are filling part of full-time roles by doing the work for this role that can be done via the Internet. These particular women mentioned in the article were MBAs working for $21. an hour. $21. an hour!

Why am I upset? Well, my gentlemen friend was pretty taken aback himself. The problem is this. Moms with MBAs re-entering the workforce full-time are having a hard enough time finding jobs that pay what they deserve, meet their needs in flexible scheduling and desire to accommodate their child's schedules as well. With moms working for the same job for much less than the full-timer with the same degree would make, I hope you can see the very big problem here. The salaries will decrease as this trend gains popularity. We need to move forward not backward! What in the world is going on here. Stay home or go back to work. Don't cut the legs out from under the ones who need to or want to work full-time.

What do these trendsetting companies think of this new twist on job filling? Well it is an astounding success of course! I mean, to hire a collective group at a great discount to fill one job role with no benefits is truly the best scenario that a stockholder and budget manager could ask for.

What do the women who are being passed up for a full-time job think of this brilliant plan by Corporate America? Why don't you ask one? Women @ Work Network is a consortium of local groups geared toward helping the currently at-home mom who would like to re-enter the full-time job market. On Ramps and Detours is also a Boston-based forum and conference for the same demographic. I love their mission but I see this new trend as a knife in the tire of their new car.

Clearly my stance will be controversial to some. My appeal is to the masses. Try to see this from the point of view of those who struggle in the full-time realm. It is a great struggle, if you are one of the Stay-at-Home and yet want to work Moms you obviously don't get it. There are lots of things you can do at home or outside part-time that would utilize your skills without taking away from others. You made a choice, now stick with it.

For the article:
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/05/02/stay-at-homes-moms-fill-an-executive-niche/?mod=WSJBlog

Career Momma Investigates the Quest for Easy Dinner

It seems that a growing craze these days are these places where you can put together meals in little baggies and containers and then take them home and make them at a later time. I have to admit, this did somewhat intrigue me when I first heard about it from a friend, but I didn't really do much in the way of checking it out. Now I think I see one variation of the concept in almost every town. I was thinking they must be on to something, they are cropping up faster than the crab grass on my lawn. Being the investigator, I had to see what the big deal was about.

Seems fun at first. They certainly are marketing to the working family. They sell visions of you getting together with your friends, laughing and leisurely putting your week's worth of pre-planned meals into all these little containers and strolling out with your dinners for the entire week. Simply take out of the freezer and "BANG-ZIP" a gorgeous, delicious homecooked meal that your family will rave about for days on end. I mean, who wouldn't want that? I come home after over an hour of driving home in traffic in a suit to a screaming toddler who wants both mom and dinner right now and would prefer to hug me with a fresh coating of macaroni and cheese on her hands and face. The very idea of being both Betty Crocker and Mary Poppins at the same time is pretty attractive. Not to mention, the idea of me and a few of my friends preparing dinner together. Sounds like working mom nirvana to me.

Then there is reality. As I said, I am an investigator. I did my homework. I wanted to know. What is the real difference between the supermarket and preparing things ahead of time on my own and going to these little Dinner-in-a-Baggie joints. There are quite few. I can tell you, if you don't want to watch your weight, cholesterol, or sodium, run (don't walk) to the nearest one. Oh wait, you need to sign up for an appointment. I don't need to do that at the supermarket. Can you imagine needing a reservation to do grocery shopping? That is another thing, this idea is not saving me a trip to the grocer. I have to do that for everything else anyway. You can't get milk and toilet paper at these places.

I looked up the meal plans online for a couple of these places. The meals sounded delicious. Then I read on. All I can say is "WHOA!". One item was a vegetable lasagna. One portion was about 400 calories, not too bad. Fat content, 27 grams. That is over half the calorie content from fat. The sodium? How about 1247 milligrams. Does this lasagna double as a salt lick? In fact, none of the items except for one at each website were anywhere nearly in the vacinity of health conscious. You might as well just skip the "cook it yourself" step and order take out. Which brings me to my next point. Not so cheap either. $15 or more dollars per family-sized meal of 3 servings seemed to be the norm. Do the math and then add up the rest of your grocery bill. As far as I am concerned no one is saving me any time for paying for the convenience. In fact, if I ate like that every night I'd be shopping for bigger pants in no time flat.

Okay so what then? I did go online and find some rather nice options. For instance, Trader Joe's has many wonderful pre-cooked and heat-and-eat selections and they are both delicious, usually health conscious with all-natural ingredients. Trader's isn't draining your wallet either and you can get the rest of your groceries there as well. Not to mention, I love Trader Joe's staff. They are always so friendly. How can you beat that? No Trader's near you? That's okay. I also checked out a nice website by the Healthy Choice people. http://www.healthychoice.com/ They advertise their products which are reasonably health conscious and they also have a section on their site for some great and easy recipes.

My suggestion is to pre-prepare your meals just like you would do at the Dinner-in-a-Baggie joints. You will need to plan for a couple of hours whether you do it at home or at one of these places. If chopping is so bothersome you can buy lots of produce already pre-washed, chopped and ready to dump into your baggie. Besides marinating your protein for a couple of days makes the meal much better tasting. There are also rice and potato products that come pre-cooked. Just microwave and pour into a dish. You can also pre-cooked organic rice at your local Trader Joe's or Whole Foods.

We can make some healthy and rewarding meals for whomever gathers around our table for dinner without making us crazy with some creativity and a little planning. It's worth it. What you get in return is a dash of "thanks" and a heaping of time well-spent with your family all at the table. To me, that is worth the Sunday afternoon of preparation. Bon Appetit!

CareerMomma Now Featured on Womenco.com

My name is Brittany and I am a working mother. I feel like I should say that at some anonymous meeting somewhere as at times I occasionally feel powerless over it and it does make my life seem unmanageable. You know what I've learned though? My station in life only does that when I give it permission to and when I allow people, places and things to have a say in how I feel about myself.

I have been doing a lot of research on the working mother for the last year. I've been trying to understand her, trying to get a handle on her climate in society and business as a whole. I never even thought of her until the day I came back from maternity leave to hear that my flexible schedule that I was welcomed to as a Sales Rep who had achieved a certain status at her company was being rejected. Why? Well, it seemed obvious to my supervisor. How was I going to manage all of "this" AKA work, life and my new family. How I balanced my life wasn't remotely a consideration to my employer until my little bundle came into the world on September 22nd, 2006. All of the sudden how I managed my life and my career was of utmost concern from the top down.

As I started and continue my research, I see this is a common story. It seemed interesting to me that some websites for the working mother that I went on told an optimistic story, a dawn of a new era in which the working mom was thriving. Okay, where were they working? Who were they and how come I haven't met very many? Well, they are out there. Just ask the VPs of HR where they work. Their companies are stunning examples of success for the working mother. What else would they say "No, we are doing a terrible job addressing the needs of working mothers. By the way, when are you publishing your article so I can pack up my desk the day before?". You get the point. The women that work at these beacons of Work/Life Balance who get to take advantage of such programs are not the Average Jane laborer. They are the D levels and higher.

Okay, so what do we do then? Well, I am glad you asked. You are going to be hearing a lot about that from me. I am very engaged in political action that is trying to address this concern. If you don't know by now, it is a great concern to our economy and society. Read the book Restoring the American Dream by Dr. Thomas Kochan. It will give you great insight into how serious the problem really is. I recently interviewed Dr. Kochan and you can read that article on my blog: http://www.careerparent.blogspot.com/ for more information on Dr. Kochan and his research through the MIT Workplace Center.

Lastly, I can't wait to hear from you! Your input is critical to my research and my mission to building workable solutions and aleviating some the concerns about career motherhood. There is help out there. We just need to share it and come together. Nothing changes if we do nothing. You are not a victim. Working women and mothers are powerhouses for change. Put those two titles together and gather a few million of them around a cause and you have an unstoppable army.

HOOAH!

CareerMomma Goes to MIT

If you are like me as soon as someone mentions MIT you think of skinny little guys with crazy hair and glasses that have been out of fashion for over 20 years, complete with button-down shirt and pocket protector full of pens. If you think that you are actually only partly correct. When my husband started working there I was having trouble picturing my big burly husband with a penchant for crass jokes in a sea of scurrying brainiacs who communicate in mathematical algorithms. I mean, my husband looks like every jock that picked on a brainiac in high school. As it turns out they have a world-class business school as well, Sloan School of Management which is where he works. They train up tomorrow's (and even today's) top business leaders in the world.

When I started on my endeavor with CareerMomma (or should I say, "it" literally hired me) my husband would continually ask, "What can I do to help you?". I honestly couldn't think of anything and he would look dejected when I would say, "nothing right now, you are doing a great job of being a very supportive husband". I had no idea what a great help he would be.

As I developed my idea of "What is a CareerMomma.com?" I decided to do some research and see, was anyone studying the Career/Working Mother? What did they say about them? Did they feel as I did that the Glass Ceiling that everyone told me was smashed on my way up the corporate ladder was merely covered in diapers so you couldn't see it? Well, I did find a great book on the study of working families. It is entitled, Restoring the American Dream; A Working Families' Agenda for America by Dr. Thomas A. Kochan. I wanted to give it a read and see what his research showed. I was desperate for some expert validation on what I had both witnessed for myself in Corporate America and what I had heard from other working mothers regarding their struggles to maintain homes and respect in the work environment. The book, simply put, blew my socks off!

Dr. Kochan sure did agree and then some. His research illustrates a much bigger picture than your place of work and more importantly what all this is doing to our country at-large. If you care at all about fixing the problem of work/family/life balance or our economy, for the love of Pete, get the book and read it. Don't get scared, it's easy to read. It thankfully wasn't full of terminology that you would only understand if you were in his industry. Being a visually oriented person, I liked the case studies in particular. They helped draw the picture for me.

So what about MIT? Dr. Kochan is a professor there. I had a great opportunity to be introduced to him just yesterday. Dr. Kochan was not what I expected of a professor from a leading academic institution. He was warm, charming, obviously very knowledgeable (I mean c'mon this isn't Community College) about our subject and very open to sharing his experience, and expertise. I sat in his large office, explaining what I was doing and asking questions. He had lots of books (lots of books), my little ADD brain was in over-drive and titles kept jumping out at me very time I looked at the shelves. I think I forgot half the questions I wanted to ask I was so involved in talking to him. He is very sympathetic to our cause and sees the way to change is for us to take action collectively. We can't do it alone and we can't wait for someone else to do it. Stay tuned and read the book! I'd let you read mine but it is highlighted, dog-eared, underlined and has notes and questions written in the margins. I don't think I did that much damage to any text books I ever had in my favorite subjects in school. In fact, I have never studied so hard as I have with this project. This is the best class I ever signed up for. I doubt I would have had the opportunity to meet Dr. Kochan if not for my husband, Greg.

If all goes well this week CareerParent Blog is going national! Womenco.com has asked me to contribute my writing once a week to their website. This is a great opportunity for us to get the buzz going on a national website and create more energy out there in changing working families for the better.

I'll leave you with one last thing. There was a yellow flower pot on Dr. Kochan's window sill. It kept grabbing my attention. One, because it was yellow and two, I could only see 3 letters that were on the front of it. G-R...(is that an "O"?). I finally figured it out. GROW. That is exactly what I have been doing these last few months. I feel like I have been reborn along with this project as I work with my partners to bring "her" to life. That is my suggestion to you. Want to feel inspired and renewed? Discover and develop yourself for something which you have a great passion for. You will not believe how much energy it brings to a tired mind!

Take Me to Your Leader

Here is an interesting question:

Who are the leaders in your workplace? By that I mean, who do people seem to rally around and point to when they are looking for direction on how to feel about something? Who do people talk to most often when a change in their environment occurs? It is a very great chance that it is not the boss. In fact, I have never worked anywhere where it was. It is always the charismatic/alpha personality types. Wouldn't you agree?

This leader in your workplace has a lot of power to control the organization and I am willing to bet most Sr. Execs are not even paying any attention. After all, they really don't have any leadership titles usually. Just the Average Joe or Joan at the job, right? Not so fast. The AJ's of the world do a lot to set the tone in the workplace. In fact, they can pretty well convey to others how to behave in a situation, how to respond to a situation and how to feel about a situation without even realizing it. What is even more eye-opening, I submit is this. Who the real leader is equals what the team that comes around them is like. If your real leader is negative and mercurial yet your whole team is flocking around them like the Dali Llama whenever they speak out, you have a real problem in your work culture, not just a problem person to be dealt with. The fact of the matter is, when the real leader is reprimanded and conveys his or her victimization to the followers, the followers too feel victimized because they are emotionally attached to the leader.

It isn't all bad. When real leaders realize they are real leaders they need to ask themselves this. What attitudes and believes am I projecting on the team. How can I best serve them? What things about me need to change in order to better the team. It is critical to the success of your organization. Happy real leaders, make happy teams, make better work production, make quality increase, make bigger sales, make loyal customers.

I was at a mediocre training session last night and I left a little dissappointed thinking I hadn't learned much. As I write I realize I was quite mistaken.

Here is what I suggest:

Managers Et Al; quietly study who the real leaders are in your organization. Really figure it out. Identify them. Chances are they like their position so the next step should be easy. Find a coaching program that trains and works with High Potentials. Unless my name is Uncle Sam, in a year you should see very dramatic change in your organization. By forgetting about great managerial training as a quick fix for business problems and focus on who the real leaders are and training them up to be better influencers.

If you would like some referrals to start with:

Jean DiGiovanna -ThinkPeople
Ina Jubert -Wisdom Happens
Bill Joiner -ChangeWise

Dispelling the Bitch Myth

I subscribe to a lot of sites for research purposes and to gather information. I am one of those women who likes to think I have my finger on the pulse of everything. In particular, I like to hear information from other business people as I am always seeking to perfect my skills and gain insight into how others succeed.

Last week I got a newsletter on one of my site subscriptions featuring a blog article entitled My Grandmother Was Right. Catchy title. Right about what? My curiousity of course got the best of me and I went in to investigate.

I was dumbstruck to read a blog telling her readers that Granny told her she had to make a decision. Either be liked by others or be a bitch and succeed. She goes on to write that she was recently reprimanded for her inappropriate behavior and her aggressiveness toward her employees while she was working on a project. The project got done, she didn't bother to tell us if it was done successfully or not because she was too busy spouting off about how she wouldn't have been able to complete her project without acting the way she did toward her project mates.

I have to say, without any shadow of doubt in my mind....SHE IS 100% WRONG! What was more shocking is that others chimed in on the comments with "right on sister" and other affirmative comments.

I have 10 years of experience in business. I have learned a lot in those ten years and I have made a lot of mistakes. I was one of those women who went on slaying my coworkers with sharp comments, exploding all over people when it "didn't get done right" AKA the way I would have done it, and criticizing others in an effort to get the job done. I might have completed what I set out to do in all those instances but I made quite a few adversaries and alienated a lot of people who could have helped me succeed. That kind of behavior does damage and leaves scars.

I read a book that changed my life Winning with People by John Maxwell. It was a real eyeopener and it helped me understand why I acted the way I did and what I could do about it.
I highly encourage you to read it. One principle Maxwell brings up is the Lens Principle -how I view myself is how I view others. If I see myself negatively then I will see others the same way. If I don't trust my judgement then I won't trust yours. Next, The Hammer Principle -don't swat a fly off your neighbor's head with a hammer. I was a hammer! I rode people into the ground trying to make a point. Do you know what happens when you hammer someone with your opinions and directives? They become very reluctant to approach you. Lastly, The Pain Principle -Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them. There are many other good takeaways in this book. If you work with people, are in a relationship with people, live with people, have family members, this book is for you.

What did I learn from those 3 principles? I viewed others negatively so I felt like I had to force them to do what I wanted. I wanted them to "get it" so I hammered them with my points and directions. Because I had work to do on myself I wielded my emotions on people when I felt threatened. What a recipe for disaster!

Since then, I have learned about me and learned to be with others. I build them up as best I know how. I empower them to think and lend their input and knowledge in how to do things better. I encourage them to participate. When someone has a different view, I think on it and then respond. I compliment people. When someone does a job well, I tell them publically. When someone needs corrective guidance I take them aside privately. I allow others to air concerns. I seek to esteem members on my team, members of other teams who work with me and the two women who assist me in work, daily. If I make a mistake in any of these areas I take them aside and make my amends. I don't allow things to fester. I hold myself accountable without exception.

How has this worked? Splendidly! People come to me, seek my guidance, bring things to my attention and replicate my behavior to others. This kind of relationship building builds great leaders and teams. People want to be lead by someone who makes them feel good, important and needed. I never have to hound anyone to do anything for me. They do it willingly and cheerfully.

What kind of leader do you want to be? The "go to" girl or the one that people would like to see less of. Do you want team mates who come by your desk to say "good morning" or team mates who hope you aren't around.

The choice is yours. I have been on both sides, I'll take the latter any day of the week. Good leaders get promotions and great opportunities. Bitches seeth over watching good leaders pass by them in the ladder of success.

Feeling cranky lately? Try this exercise. Find 3 people to sincerely compliment everyday for the next week. On day 3 email me tell me if it worked. It hasn't failed to make me feel so much better on day 1!

Nothing Like a Case of the Guilt

Sunday night, I hate Sunday night.

I am always anxious on Sunday nights. Why you ask? It isn't the night so much as what I have to do. Get the clothes out for me and my daughter, Carli, pack our lunches, make sure all of the other paraphenalia are in her bag (heaven forbid we forget her Taggie blanket!) make sure my laptop gets into my bag, etc. You get it. I am paranoid that I will forget something. Also, I fret over the week. I am in Sales so I am always mapping out who I am pouncing on tomorrow morning for 'the close'. How does the anxiety pass? Well, it usually passes as I am getting into my car after dropping off Carli at 'school' (we don't use the D-word around here, my husband despises it) on Monday morning.



I realize now that I was wrong thinking that I hated dropping Carli off at school and that every other parent doing it never thought a thing about it. It's really hard some days for everyone and we all seem to feel alone with it. There were a couple of comments last week and some email that I received speaking about this very thing, Mother's Guilt. The reason for the guilt wasn't always the same but the feeling was. I decided to look into it. How widespread was this problem? Big enough for a whole chapter in the book entitled, Escaping Toxic Guilt, by Susan Carrell. It is probably worth a read. I did find the Mother's Guilt chapter and I am not sure if it made me feel better but it did make a powerful statement:



A mightier power and stronger Man from his throne has hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.[1865 W. R. Wallace in J. K. Hoyt Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations (1896) 402]



Our man W.R. Wallace was way ahead of his time. This quote is one main reason for our guilt. In fact, Ms. Carrell, in her book talks about mothers being responsible for shaping society as a whole and laying the moral ground work within it because how and what we teach our children about life in general is what they pass on to others. WOW! If I wasn't feeling the pinch then, I was after I got done reading 4 minutes of her book in Borders bookstore. Thanks, Susan. I am thinking we know this inherently and respond to it subconsciously. I, of course know that I am responsible for raising my daughter to be a godly woman, a moral person and a lover of people. I never really broadened that to think about how much that impacts society-at-large but according to W.R. Wallace we should be thinking that way and Susan Carrell says it's why we feel guilty. Go to bed thinking about that every night and you'll be washing down ambien with a vodka cocktail by the end of the week! Maybe I will go back and read that book after all. I would like to know that there is some relief in all this to pass on to my readers. Stay tuned on that.



Be of good cheer, if this is our purpose and why we feel guilty then we really do need to stick together. We have a big job to do, this raising of America! If you think that, please meet a few 10s of Millions of people who do too. I think you could find a few friends to connect with based on those numbers.

Here's to Monday morning...

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Earns a Pay Check

This blog is not for the faint of heart of weak of stomach HR Rep. In fact, what I am working on is born of the fact that I am tired of countless articles out there telling me it has never been so easy to be a working mother. From my experience, this is quite factually untrue. The Human Resource Departments of the world are telling magazines and newspaper columnists that they do a lot for their working parents. The women I talk to say "No" almost in unison.

The term 'Mommy Tracked' was something I never heard of until I was sitting in a circle with my newborn daughter at a New Mothers support group. We were sharing our thoughts on how our work lives will change as we re-enter the work force, this time with diaper bag in tow. I thought the experience I had with my supervisor was an exception to the rule. I discredited his sharp comments about "how was I going to handle the workload?" or "how was I going to make sure I was able to take care of the clients I had and take care of a baby?" and my favorite, "we had such great hopes for you and now we are concerned.." to the fact that he was a thirty-something single guy so he didn't know what he was talking about. I was so wrong. The term came out of the mouth of an Assistant DA. She said she felt as though she was now being watched carefully by her department now that she had her daughter. Imagine my surprise when almost all of the twelve women in my group nodded their heads in agreement.

The stories I have heard from other moms in the workplace mirror the stories I heard in my circle of new moms over a year ago. I continue to replay them over and over in my head. The telecommuting craze is great news...for people who aren't viewed by their employer as the primary caretaker of children. In fact, it is making it worse. Even if you can get those wonderful telecommuting schedules (and if course if your job could be done that way) it seems as though it is giving the employer permission to ask for even more of our time and valuable time taken away from by them already as we submit to our regularly scheduled work week. Now it is too easy for us to be brow-beaten into doing more when we return to our homes to see a bright-eyed little sweetheart anxious to spend time with us (sometimes for the first time today) into just checking the email one more time or making that one more phone call for fear of being asked "did you talk to so-and-so yesterday?" by the boss over morning coffee.

One of the worst stories I have heard so far was a poor woman who left her job for maternity leave and promised to return to her job in 12 weeks with the agreement between her and her employer that when she came back that she would work an abbreviated week. She returned just as she promised only to hear "sorry, there's been a change we need you here full-time". Well, the options were two. Work full-time or pack up your desk. Sad isn't it? No one even gave her the opportunity to see if she could have done the job just fine without being in the office 5 days a week. Interestingly enough, I don't know any better or more efficient multi-tasking go-getters than the working parent. Do you? Why? Because we have way more at stake than our non-parenting colleagues.

When does it stop? When does the working parent get valued in the workplace? Why is it when we need to be home with a sick child or take leave of work early to be at that soccer game that we get the look that tells us that our actions are not well-respected or thought of positively? I want to give you a voice and a say. I know you are out there and I want to hear your story. Please share it with me. I know I am not alone. The best friendships are forged in fire and change happens when 'the norm' gets to painful to stay with. Who's with me?