Sunday night, I hate Sunday night.
I am always anxious on Sunday nights. Why you ask? It isn't the night so much as what I have to do. Get the clothes out for me and my daughter, Carli, pack our lunches, make sure all of the other paraphenalia are in her bag (heaven forbid we forget her Taggie blanket!) make sure my laptop gets into my bag, etc. You get it. I am paranoid that I will forget something. Also, I fret over the week. I am in Sales so I am always mapping out who I am pouncing on tomorrow morning for 'the close'. How does the anxiety pass? Well, it usually passes as I am getting into my car after dropping off Carli at 'school' (we don't use the D-word around here, my husband despises it) on Monday morning.
I realize now that I was wrong thinking that I hated dropping Carli off at school and that every other parent doing it never thought a thing about it. It's really hard some days for everyone and we all seem to feel alone with it. There were a couple of comments last week and some email that I received speaking about this very thing, Mother's Guilt. The reason for the guilt wasn't always the same but the feeling was. I decided to look into it. How widespread was this problem? Big enough for a whole chapter in the book entitled, Escaping Toxic Guilt, by Susan Carrell. It is probably worth a read. I did find the Mother's Guilt chapter and I am not sure if it made me feel better but it did make a powerful statement:
A mightier power and stronger Man from his throne has hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.[1865 W. R. Wallace in J. K. Hoyt Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations (1896) 402]
Our man W.R. Wallace was way ahead of his time. This quote is one main reason for our guilt. In fact, Ms. Carrell, in her book talks about mothers being responsible for shaping society as a whole and laying the moral ground work within it because how and what we teach our children about life in general is what they pass on to others. WOW! If I wasn't feeling the pinch then, I was after I got done reading 4 minutes of her book in Borders bookstore. Thanks, Susan. I am thinking we know this inherently and respond to it subconsciously. I, of course know that I am responsible for raising my daughter to be a godly woman, a moral person and a lover of people. I never really broadened that to think about how much that impacts society-at-large but according to W.R. Wallace we should be thinking that way and Susan Carrell says it's why we feel guilty. Go to bed thinking about that every night and you'll be washing down ambien with a vodka cocktail by the end of the week! Maybe I will go back and read that book after all. I would like to know that there is some relief in all this to pass on to my readers. Stay tuned on that.
Be of good cheer, if this is our purpose and why we feel guilty then we really do need to stick together. We have a big job to do, this raising of America! If you think that, please meet a few 10s of Millions of people who do too. I think you could find a few friends to connect with based on those numbers.
Here's to Monday morning...
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Nothing Like a Case of the Guilt
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8 comments:
I have no qualms dropping my daughter off at the baby sitter anymore. Maybe it is because she loves it so much...or maybe it is because I've stopped analyzing it, but either way, I'm happy that I'm a working mother with a well-adjusted daughter.
All that goes out the window, however, when a stay-at-home-mom says "Oh, you poor thing, having to work". Comments like that make me feel inferior and like our decision for both parents to work was the wrong one. I am happy to be working, but I wish mother's had more compassion for each other's choices.
I occasionally talk about this same kind of thing on my blog. The juggling act is often a difficult one. We're always trying to do more, be more, accomplish more...and there is often some semblance of guilt along the way. Sometimes, just saying "No" helps. Setting boundaries is one of the most intuitive things we can do...yet, it also seems to be one of the most difficult.
Good topic, now you know why mothers are always blamed in therapy, (well they are on TV!) It's a heavy weight to think about this but no matter how well you do your job, your child has his own free will & choices in life. We can only let them go and pray we instilled sound character. This is no disclaimer for responsibility, but if we gave them all the right tools as they grew then we should be launching a well adjusted, productive, caring individual into society. It's the best job in the world! I stayed home to raise mine but longed for something to help me feel significant. It's hard to stay home too. Some kids do fine while Mommy works, some kids don't. We just need to be sensitive to what's best for our kids. Every parent will screw up in some way that will come up in theraphy later!
I have no problems dropping my son off at daycare. He loves it so much and it provides a social environment and interaction he needs. For me, the guilt comes in the form of feeling resentment calling in sick to work because I fear of what the boss will think. In my experience it is frowned upon and missing a week because your kid has the stomach flu and then politely passes it on to you means only one thing: Pawn him off to a relative for recovery and drag butt into work dying. Needing to take more than one or two days off is horrible. Nothing strikes terror in a working mom’s heart than a case of chicken pox or measles….Also, I feel guilty during my two days "off" work trying to cram cleaning, shopping and laundry into such a short time and not being able to just spend time with my son...life obligations are so demanding. For me the guilt lies in not being able to find that mystical balance between work and home, play and chores...does it really exist or I am the only one thinking it is a corporate PR myth and that no matter what something is bound to suffer! Oh, well, perhaps more than 3 paid sick days a year would lend me a little more leeway and alleviate my guilt…
I only feel guilty when I know I'm not being the best parent that I can be. We all need our down time - I try to take mine when LO is asleep. But on occasion, I "check out" in front of the computer instead of being an active parent. That makes me angry at myself for not enjoying and appreciating every *limited* moment I have with my LO.
I have absolutely no guilt about taking LO to daycare. One of my many shortcomings is that I don't have the patience or wherewithal to stay home with an infant or toddler day in and day out. I think it will be harder for me when LO gets older - I can totally rock out with the 4-9 age group.
Guilt is an interesting thing. As you have mentioned it comes in two or even three forms. The guilt of leaving our kids with others while we help to provide for the family. The guilt of "maybe" not giving it our all at work or having to take time off to care for sick kids. Thirdly being available to keep our marriages alive. We have so many demands on us every day. Knowing where we lie in our core values is key. Being willing to say no too. I feel the guilt when my 5 year old clings to my leg and begs I stay home with him, his brother, and my husband. That is when I feel I am missing out on some important time in his life when he needs mom. But then I know he is with people that love him and I will be home by dinner.
I recently have felt guilty, because I've started volunteering part time at our church, and I put our son in daycare there for the one half day that I work. (I feel lame even saying that, knowing that so many of you have to do that every morning.) I have great respect for working mothers after spending a pathetic one morning a week running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get everything he needs for those few hours, and freaking out that I might have forgotten something.
I feel that many mothers are in a catch 22. If they work, they second-guess themselves for the time they're missing, but if they're home, they wonder if what they're doing really makes a difference and if they should just go back to work, so that they can help contribute to the family's financial needs.
My husband ends up dropping off our daughter at work which is great because it would be hard for me to drop her off but she loves it. She gets all excited about going and after the weekend and a few days home with us she can't wait to see her friends but...what is it with the self-rightous men that give me a hard time about not staying at home with my daughter and how can I leave her with someone else to raise her and why doesn't my husband work 2 jobs so I don't have to work. AGH thanks for piling on the guilt when you didn't give your wife the option you just expected her to stay at home. Personally I would rather my daughter adjust to school and be socially aware and have a healthy relationship with my husband. Sometimes I just wish I had a wife to do all the cooking, cleaning and stuff so I can enjoy time with my child instead of multitasking I do enough of that at work.
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