A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new boss proved fruitless. The first day came and went with no new boss. I asked the General Manager what the hold up was. "You didn't get my email?" he chirped? She had rescinded her acceptance of the offer. The excuse? Her current employer countered with a $60,000 increase in her salary. I don't buy excuse for a second but I am a skeptic. If it's true, I would love to know what it would take to get a job there.

Since I was next in line for the throne, I awaited my next meeting with my supervisor on the subject at hand. That also came and went. I wondered of course, where did it go? I had to find out. I consulted one of my known offices sources for information. I asked my friend Donna who was helping with the interview process of new managers. She'd know. I usually saddle up to her cube in the morning for daily pleasantries over coffee so she'd suspect nothing of my inquiry. "So what happened to Kathryn?" I aske with raised eyebrows and an innocent twist to my face. "She changed her mind" she flatly replied, also adding "they gave an offer to the other guy." Other guy?! What other guy? The other guy is the gentleman that no one liked when they interviewed him. Why hadn't they gone back to me? That would be the natural question. Donna also helped the angst by asking me the very question, "Didn't they come back to you?" I hated to answer. I could hardly lift my eyes from the floor. Chewing my lip, I bid her 'good day' and went back to me desk dazed by the unanswered questions in my mind.

The phone rang about a week later. It was my friend Allison. I used to work with Allison. We were office mates. She was my mentor early on in my career. I prize my relationship with Allison, maybe even a little more than she does. We have been friends through job changes, moves, marriages, divorces, kids, you name it. I count on her counsel. While we are close, we haven't spoken much lately in the last year or so. It was good to hear from her until the end of our conversation. Just as we were winding down she asked me why I didn't tell her that I had applied for the Sales Manager position at my office. She previously held that position in another office so it would make sense to ask me how come I didn't tell her. I matter of factly replied that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next few sentences leveled me. She said, "You don't want that job, in fact that is what I told Jay (the Assistant General Manager in charge of the hiring for the job I wanted) when I saw him last week." I couldn't breathe. She went on, "I told him that he knew you wouldn't be happy in that job and he agreed after I talked to him." I was stunned. I must have looked like someone hit me with a brick. Holding the phone to my ear, my eyes darted back and forth as I listened. I was desperately trying to find something to say. I couldn't. I couldn't interject, yell, scream, cry or laugh. Me, the one with the quick lines and the great comebacks had nothing. I wanted to ask a question. Why would she do that? Why would she stand in the way of a promotion I wanted? Why in the world would she say something like that after the roller coaster ride I had gone through of being interviewed, rejected, awaiting the boss who's job I wanted, then hearing that she'd rescinded and not getting a second shot. After all this, why? It was pretty simple really. Her conversation with my boss, Jay, was meant to be candid and meaningless but in the end, it was the damning conclusion that my might-have-been promotion came to.

So it ends? This remains to be seen. Now, I get to face the next new boss, candidate #3. The boss who's job I wanted, who wasn't even a consideration until one innocent conversation took me out of the race. I believe in nothing happens for a reason but still, it smarts.

New Boss Woman Cometh

Yesterday was a blissful day. A day of purging closets, toy boxes and all out onslaught of cleaning. I love these days, the feeling of bagging up that which has overstayed its welcome in my closets and donating it to be adopted by the next person. I would prefer the recipient to be a person in need. The feeling of passing on gives me a lift as I put things into bags and discover clothes I thought I got rid of by accident lurking in the back corners of my closet. After I moved the clothes around I got out the cleaning supplies, the smell of clean wafted around my house.

I was just on my last carpet to vacuum when I remember what tomorrow was. The new boss's first day. I was gripped a little by the tightness in my throat recalling this ominously approaching day. I thought I had gotten over this looming emotion of "what will she think of me?" and "what will she be like?". I wanted to wear the big girl panties, strut in there with hand extended and heartily welcome her aboard despite my losing the position to her only weeks ago.

I had visions of me being the oak tree of fortitude and integrity on her first day. No worries here, glad to have her better still. Maybe she would ask me for a hand? All would see, I was the better for the whole experience. The sweat on my palms as I almost rammed the vacuum into my closet door reminded me that I wasn't quite out of the woods of post promotion -losing scorn. I hated myself for the realization.

It is amazing how I seemed to take great care in doing my hair and makeup Monday morning. Even if I did lose the position to her, I could still be the better looking one. That would really chap her! How juvenile I can be in moments of insecurity. I made sure I was pressed, polished and in early.

I sat write down and started charging through work. I chirped on and on with each call to my client base. She would see just what an asset I was. I hoped she would considering I had spent my whole drive in with day nightmares that the first thing she would do was fire me before her morning coffee so as to make an example and get rid of the one she knew would give her trouble. She got the job, no need to see me going around sulking. Yes, she would cut the fat right then and there. I would be the sacrificial lamb to the rest of the sales team a sign that she meant business about turning this department around. Either take heed or meet the same fate. That was my morning, I barely paid attention to what was on the radio over the incessant rambling and scenarios in my head. My new boss would be like Leona Helmsley as far as my imagination was concerned.

I heard this new voice over the cube walls all morning. She sounded nice. Sweet even. I dared not go over. Then, why did no one take her around and introduce her? The suspense was killing me. Around 10AM I swallowed hard and walked over. Smoothing out my dress, I plastered on a smile and peered around the cube wall. I was greeted by the Marketing Manager and...her new report.

I was wrong about today, the new boss woman starts on Thursday. All that gut-turning nonsense for nothing. It taught me one thing though. If I think I am the nirvana-like mature one in the office, I better think again. Boss Helmsley or not, I can meet her with dignity or go in swinging and lose the respect of many. I like the Jackie O. look better than the Tanya Harding look any day of the week.

Lessons in Losing

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. It sounds trite but it is simple advice that can really change your life if it is put into application. You need to pause between the words 'lose' and 'don't'. If you don't pause, you will lose the lesson in "don't lose the lesson".

I was approached by my supervisor a couple of weeks ago. He is my supervisor now but until just 3 or 4 weeks ago, he was my peer. An announcement came out of nowhere from our General Manager that my friend had received a promotion to Assistant General Manager. I was thrilled for him. A little confused by why we needed another layer of management between the Sales department and the General Manager but I was sure they had their reasons and he deserved it. Life was good at work.

About a week later, I was approached by my friend-turned-supervisor about a promotion opportunity for me. He eagerly told me that my name had come up at the recent management meeting as a likely and stellar candidate for the open Sales Manager position. It was a little awkward for him to bring it up because as my friend, he knew that I was looking to pursue another opportunity and wasn't sure that I would want it and if I didn't how would he smoothly convey that message to the General Manager without tipping my hand that I might be leaving.

I wasn't sure I wanted it. I stood my ground on my flexible schedule. The General Manager doesn't like flexible schedules as a general rule and also demolished the ability to work from home on a regular basis shortly after she was hired. I said to my friend, "not one more hour in the office, not one". My hours are 9 to 4 and that won't change. I went on to say inspirational things like leading a team means you don't have to manage metrics and inspiring greatness corrects attitude problems and overcomes ruts. Coaching would be my staple, my mainstay. I was hired by the company originally to analyize, assess and build strategies for these sales reps. before so I had worked in that kind of role with them. They knew me. They knew me for the last 5 years. They know the knowledge, the skill, the commitment, etc. I had done a pretty good job of swaying my supervisor, as well as, me.

The next week was a high. In my mind, I had the job in the bag. So did a lot of people. Congratulations came cross-departmentally from other managers. It seemed as though the interviewing process was just a formality on the way to assention within the organization. Sure, I took my interview seriously as I would any other although I wasn't nervous. I didn't flinch when my coworkers interviewed me. Life was good at work. In fact, why did I ever think of leaving?

Last week slapped me in the face. I knew my competitor for the position was from the outside. She was a General Manager at a company who is in a related industry. Her company's focus was, however to sell to the consumer. My company's bread and butter is the B2B space. I wasn't rocked. Not until Friday when my friend had to explain to me at 2PM that the interviewing coworkers wanted to go with her. That stung. She had a lot of experience with managing people. I didn't understand why that mattered, lots of Sales managers have come and gone in my organization since I have been there and only two were effective. That is two out of about 7. The last 3 were a blur because they offered nothing and didn't even make a smudge mark on the organization as a whole.

My friend assured me that she would probably come in too high on compensation and that the position would still be mine. Great, now I am sloppy seconds. Not what I had anticipated. I was 'better than nothing'. That isn't what anyone said but that is how I felt. I didn't want to the be consolation prize. I wanted to cry, go home, be angry, hate my coworkers, withdraw. Oh would this day end already? The final hour of work just couldn't finish fast enough.

I rallied on Monday morning on my way into work. I could have the job still, it wasn't so bad was it? So I wasn't the first choice. I would prove myself then! Yes, in time they would see that I really was the best choice. They would be so thankful that it worked out the way it did.

Turn the other cheek. The second slap came so hard that I couldn't breathe for a second. Did that just happen? The conversation I heard left me feeling stunned and bleeding. "Amanda, can you set up the cube for the new Sales manager?" She replied, "Yes. Is her name Kathryn?" (by the way, that isn't me) He chirps back, "Yes". Mind you, I sit on the other side of the cube wall from Amanda and right behind my friend. So I didn't inadvertantly walk in on someone's conversation in their office, it happened right in front of me.

Still maintaining somewhat of a composure, although I wanted to run out of the office crying, I instant messaged my ex-friend now supervisor. "Not for nothing, but it would have been nice if you had taken me aside to tell me that I didn't get the position before I had to witness your conversation with Amanda." He bounded over to my cube with a half-eaten granola bar in hand, almost laughing his response through his mouth full of breakfast, "Oh, sorry Britt. Well, you know with everything that I have been doing lately, it just slipped my mind". I couldn't even look at him when I replied "OK". I wanted to leave all day. I wanted to yell, tell everyone what a horrible person he was, what injustice was done to me. I wanted to know that I didn't appreciate such a lack of respect and I wasn't putting up with it! I spoke to my coach/mentor on the way home and delivered my sad story. She simply said, "Do you think this is something you can laugh about one day?" Alyce just has a way of disarming me and helping me listen, focus and really evaluate a situation in about 2 seconds. Everyone needs an Alyce. "Maybe tomorrow, Alyce" was all I could muster but I had to take a look at what the problem really was.

I was mad because I was too over confident and proud about my accomplishments and naturally assumed that no one could possibly do it any better. I expected that my friendships at my office would earn me the job or make up for a lack of something should another candidate come along. I was wrong. My coworkers are just like me. They are tired of ineffective Sales Managers and they want change. Me too. I am not saying I can't do it or I am not capable. My coworkers want to see if Kathryn has what it takes to turn this ship around. I would want that too.

I also spoke to another trusted advisor, my coworker Dan. Dan is old enough to be my father but worldly and experienced at life enough to relate to anyone. Dan and I spoke and I, as diplomatically as I could, expressed my concern. He quelled my hesitation in embracing Kathryn by simply telling me that if I really wanted to see in our sales organization what I think needs to happen to be successful, that Kathryn has also stated similiar concerns and has conveyed a confidence that she can do it. Dan said without saying aloud, "Britt, keep your mind open and give her the fair chance she deserves". After all, I made similiar statements to lots of coworkers when new Sales Managers came in. Don't prejudge, think openly. Wouldn't I want someone to embrace me in a new job? Of course I would! The team is salty from a lot of change in its organization, she is faced with a lot. I can be a help or a hinderance, I'd rather be a help.

Dan and I also spoke about some of my personal shortcomings as of late. He simply stated, as is his way, "apply what you know". Use the skill and the knowledge you have and demonstrate that it is a successful way to do business. I can do that, Dan. Help where needed but take care of your job role first. Wise advice, Dan.

So, I met with my friend and supervisor this afternoon to go over some things we needed to cover. Honestly, he looked relieved that we didn't have to break up a friendship over the events of this month and that he was forgiven for his gaff. I was relieved too.

The lesson -dignity and grace go a long way and be open to change even if it isn't what you expected.

I am glad that I got through this with honesty, integrity and authenticity. Considering the alternative, I can still walk into my office with my head up and eager to put to action all my great ideas...for my own success...for now.

Take Me to Your Leader

Here is an interesting question:

Who are the leaders in your workplace? By that I mean, who do people seem to rally around and point to when they are looking for direction on how to feel about something? Who do people talk to most often when a change in their environment occurs? It is a very great chance that it is not the boss. In fact, I have never worked anywhere where it was. It is always the charismatic/alpha personality types. Wouldn't you agree?

This leader in your workplace has a lot of power to control the organization and I am willing to bet most Sr. Execs are not even paying any attention. After all, they really don't have any leadership titles usually. Just the Average Joe or Joan at the job, right? Not so fast. The AJ's of the world do a lot to set the tone in the workplace. In fact, they can pretty well convey to others how to behave in a situation, how to respond to a situation and how to feel about a situation without even realizing it. What is even more eye-opening, I submit is this. Who the real leader is equals what the team that comes around them is like. If your real leader is negative and mercurial yet your whole team is flocking around them like the Dali Llama whenever they speak out, you have a real problem in your work culture, not just a problem person to be dealt with. The fact of the matter is, when the real leader is reprimanded and conveys his or her victimization to the followers, the followers too feel victimized because they are emotionally attached to the leader.

It isn't all bad. When real leaders realize they are real leaders they need to ask themselves this. What attitudes and believes am I projecting on the team. How can I best serve them? What things about me need to change in order to better the team. It is critical to the success of your organization. Happy real leaders, make happy teams, make better work production, make quality increase, make bigger sales, make loyal customers.

I was at a mediocre training session last night and I left a little dissappointed thinking I hadn't learned much. As I write I realize I was quite mistaken.

Here is what I suggest:

Managers Et Al; quietly study who the real leaders are in your organization. Really figure it out. Identify them. Chances are they like their position so the next step should be easy. Find a coaching program that trains and works with High Potentials. Unless my name is Uncle Sam, in a year you should see very dramatic change in your organization. By forgetting about great managerial training as a quick fix for business problems and focus on who the real leaders are and training them up to be better influencers.

If you would like some referrals to start with:

Jean DiGiovanna -ThinkPeople
Ina Jubert -Wisdom Happens
Bill Joiner -ChangeWise

Dispelling the Bitch Myth

I subscribe to a lot of sites for research purposes and to gather information. I am one of those women who likes to think I have my finger on the pulse of everything. In particular, I like to hear information from other business people as I am always seeking to perfect my skills and gain insight into how others succeed.

Last week I got a newsletter on one of my site subscriptions featuring a blog article entitled My Grandmother Was Right. Catchy title. Right about what? My curiousity of course got the best of me and I went in to investigate.

I was dumbstruck to read a blog telling her readers that Granny told her she had to make a decision. Either be liked by others or be a bitch and succeed. She goes on to write that she was recently reprimanded for her inappropriate behavior and her aggressiveness toward her employees while she was working on a project. The project got done, she didn't bother to tell us if it was done successfully or not because she was too busy spouting off about how she wouldn't have been able to complete her project without acting the way she did toward her project mates.

I have to say, without any shadow of doubt in my mind....SHE IS 100% WRONG! What was more shocking is that others chimed in on the comments with "right on sister" and other affirmative comments.

I have 10 years of experience in business. I have learned a lot in those ten years and I have made a lot of mistakes. I was one of those women who went on slaying my coworkers with sharp comments, exploding all over people when it "didn't get done right" AKA the way I would have done it, and criticizing others in an effort to get the job done. I might have completed what I set out to do in all those instances but I made quite a few adversaries and alienated a lot of people who could have helped me succeed. That kind of behavior does damage and leaves scars.

I read a book that changed my life Winning with People by John Maxwell. It was a real eyeopener and it helped me understand why I acted the way I did and what I could do about it.
I highly encourage you to read it. One principle Maxwell brings up is the Lens Principle -how I view myself is how I view others. If I see myself negatively then I will see others the same way. If I don't trust my judgement then I won't trust yours. Next, The Hammer Principle -don't swat a fly off your neighbor's head with a hammer. I was a hammer! I rode people into the ground trying to make a point. Do you know what happens when you hammer someone with your opinions and directives? They become very reluctant to approach you. Lastly, The Pain Principle -Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them. There are many other good takeaways in this book. If you work with people, are in a relationship with people, live with people, have family members, this book is for you.

What did I learn from those 3 principles? I viewed others negatively so I felt like I had to force them to do what I wanted. I wanted them to "get it" so I hammered them with my points and directions. Because I had work to do on myself I wielded my emotions on people when I felt threatened. What a recipe for disaster!

Since then, I have learned about me and learned to be with others. I build them up as best I know how. I empower them to think and lend their input and knowledge in how to do things better. I encourage them to participate. When someone has a different view, I think on it and then respond. I compliment people. When someone does a job well, I tell them publically. When someone needs corrective guidance I take them aside privately. I allow others to air concerns. I seek to esteem members on my team, members of other teams who work with me and the two women who assist me in work, daily. If I make a mistake in any of these areas I take them aside and make my amends. I don't allow things to fester. I hold myself accountable without exception.

How has this worked? Splendidly! People come to me, seek my guidance, bring things to my attention and replicate my behavior to others. This kind of relationship building builds great leaders and teams. People want to be lead by someone who makes them feel good, important and needed. I never have to hound anyone to do anything for me. They do it willingly and cheerfully.

What kind of leader do you want to be? The "go to" girl or the one that people would like to see less of. Do you want team mates who come by your desk to say "good morning" or team mates who hope you aren't around.

The choice is yours. I have been on both sides, I'll take the latter any day of the week. Good leaders get promotions and great opportunities. Bitches seeth over watching good leaders pass by them in the ladder of success.

Feeling cranky lately? Try this exercise. Find 3 people to sincerely compliment everyday for the next week. On day 3 email me tell me if it worked. It hasn't failed to make me feel so much better on day 1!