Dispelling the Bitch Myth

I subscribe to a lot of sites for research purposes and to gather information. I am one of those women who likes to think I have my finger on the pulse of everything. In particular, I like to hear information from other business people as I am always seeking to perfect my skills and gain insight into how others succeed.

Last week I got a newsletter on one of my site subscriptions featuring a blog article entitled My Grandmother Was Right. Catchy title. Right about what? My curiousity of course got the best of me and I went in to investigate.

I was dumbstruck to read a blog telling her readers that Granny told her she had to make a decision. Either be liked by others or be a bitch and succeed. She goes on to write that she was recently reprimanded for her inappropriate behavior and her aggressiveness toward her employees while she was working on a project. The project got done, she didn't bother to tell us if it was done successfully or not because she was too busy spouting off about how she wouldn't have been able to complete her project without acting the way she did toward her project mates.

I have to say, without any shadow of doubt in my mind....SHE IS 100% WRONG! What was more shocking is that others chimed in on the comments with "right on sister" and other affirmative comments.

I have 10 years of experience in business. I have learned a lot in those ten years and I have made a lot of mistakes. I was one of those women who went on slaying my coworkers with sharp comments, exploding all over people when it "didn't get done right" AKA the way I would have done it, and criticizing others in an effort to get the job done. I might have completed what I set out to do in all those instances but I made quite a few adversaries and alienated a lot of people who could have helped me succeed. That kind of behavior does damage and leaves scars.

I read a book that changed my life Winning with People by John Maxwell. It was a real eyeopener and it helped me understand why I acted the way I did and what I could do about it.
I highly encourage you to read it. One principle Maxwell brings up is the Lens Principle -how I view myself is how I view others. If I see myself negatively then I will see others the same way. If I don't trust my judgement then I won't trust yours. Next, The Hammer Principle -don't swat a fly off your neighbor's head with a hammer. I was a hammer! I rode people into the ground trying to make a point. Do you know what happens when you hammer someone with your opinions and directives? They become very reluctant to approach you. Lastly, The Pain Principle -Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them. There are many other good takeaways in this book. If you work with people, are in a relationship with people, live with people, have family members, this book is for you.

What did I learn from those 3 principles? I viewed others negatively so I felt like I had to force them to do what I wanted. I wanted them to "get it" so I hammered them with my points and directions. Because I had work to do on myself I wielded my emotions on people when I felt threatened. What a recipe for disaster!

Since then, I have learned about me and learned to be with others. I build them up as best I know how. I empower them to think and lend their input and knowledge in how to do things better. I encourage them to participate. When someone has a different view, I think on it and then respond. I compliment people. When someone does a job well, I tell them publically. When someone needs corrective guidance I take them aside privately. I allow others to air concerns. I seek to esteem members on my team, members of other teams who work with me and the two women who assist me in work, daily. If I make a mistake in any of these areas I take them aside and make my amends. I don't allow things to fester. I hold myself accountable without exception.

How has this worked? Splendidly! People come to me, seek my guidance, bring things to my attention and replicate my behavior to others. This kind of relationship building builds great leaders and teams. People want to be lead by someone who makes them feel good, important and needed. I never have to hound anyone to do anything for me. They do it willingly and cheerfully.

What kind of leader do you want to be? The "go to" girl or the one that people would like to see less of. Do you want team mates who come by your desk to say "good morning" or team mates who hope you aren't around.

The choice is yours. I have been on both sides, I'll take the latter any day of the week. Good leaders get promotions and great opportunities. Bitches seeth over watching good leaders pass by them in the ladder of success.

Feeling cranky lately? Try this exercise. Find 3 people to sincerely compliment everyday for the next week. On day 3 email me tell me if it worked. It hasn't failed to make me feel so much better on day 1!

Nothing Like a Case of the Guilt

Sunday night, I hate Sunday night.

I am always anxious on Sunday nights. Why you ask? It isn't the night so much as what I have to do. Get the clothes out for me and my daughter, Carli, pack our lunches, make sure all of the other paraphenalia are in her bag (heaven forbid we forget her Taggie blanket!) make sure my laptop gets into my bag, etc. You get it. I am paranoid that I will forget something. Also, I fret over the week. I am in Sales so I am always mapping out who I am pouncing on tomorrow morning for 'the close'. How does the anxiety pass? Well, it usually passes as I am getting into my car after dropping off Carli at 'school' (we don't use the D-word around here, my husband despises it) on Monday morning.



I realize now that I was wrong thinking that I hated dropping Carli off at school and that every other parent doing it never thought a thing about it. It's really hard some days for everyone and we all seem to feel alone with it. There were a couple of comments last week and some email that I received speaking about this very thing, Mother's Guilt. The reason for the guilt wasn't always the same but the feeling was. I decided to look into it. How widespread was this problem? Big enough for a whole chapter in the book entitled, Escaping Toxic Guilt, by Susan Carrell. It is probably worth a read. I did find the Mother's Guilt chapter and I am not sure if it made me feel better but it did make a powerful statement:



A mightier power and stronger Man from his throne has hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.[1865 W. R. Wallace in J. K. Hoyt Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations (1896) 402]



Our man W.R. Wallace was way ahead of his time. This quote is one main reason for our guilt. In fact, Ms. Carrell, in her book talks about mothers being responsible for shaping society as a whole and laying the moral ground work within it because how and what we teach our children about life in general is what they pass on to others. WOW! If I wasn't feeling the pinch then, I was after I got done reading 4 minutes of her book in Borders bookstore. Thanks, Susan. I am thinking we know this inherently and respond to it subconsciously. I, of course know that I am responsible for raising my daughter to be a godly woman, a moral person and a lover of people. I never really broadened that to think about how much that impacts society-at-large but according to W.R. Wallace we should be thinking that way and Susan Carrell says it's why we feel guilty. Go to bed thinking about that every night and you'll be washing down ambien with a vodka cocktail by the end of the week! Maybe I will go back and read that book after all. I would like to know that there is some relief in all this to pass on to my readers. Stay tuned on that.



Be of good cheer, if this is our purpose and why we feel guilty then we really do need to stick together. We have a big job to do, this raising of America! If you think that, please meet a few 10s of Millions of people who do too. I think you could find a few friends to connect with based on those numbers.

Here's to Monday morning...

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Earns a Pay Check

This blog is not for the faint of heart of weak of stomach HR Rep. In fact, what I am working on is born of the fact that I am tired of countless articles out there telling me it has never been so easy to be a working mother. From my experience, this is quite factually untrue. The Human Resource Departments of the world are telling magazines and newspaper columnists that they do a lot for their working parents. The women I talk to say "No" almost in unison.

The term 'Mommy Tracked' was something I never heard of until I was sitting in a circle with my newborn daughter at a New Mothers support group. We were sharing our thoughts on how our work lives will change as we re-enter the work force, this time with diaper bag in tow. I thought the experience I had with my supervisor was an exception to the rule. I discredited his sharp comments about "how was I going to handle the workload?" or "how was I going to make sure I was able to take care of the clients I had and take care of a baby?" and my favorite, "we had such great hopes for you and now we are concerned.." to the fact that he was a thirty-something single guy so he didn't know what he was talking about. I was so wrong. The term came out of the mouth of an Assistant DA. She said she felt as though she was now being watched carefully by her department now that she had her daughter. Imagine my surprise when almost all of the twelve women in my group nodded their heads in agreement.

The stories I have heard from other moms in the workplace mirror the stories I heard in my circle of new moms over a year ago. I continue to replay them over and over in my head. The telecommuting craze is great news...for people who aren't viewed by their employer as the primary caretaker of children. In fact, it is making it worse. Even if you can get those wonderful telecommuting schedules (and if course if your job could be done that way) it seems as though it is giving the employer permission to ask for even more of our time and valuable time taken away from by them already as we submit to our regularly scheduled work week. Now it is too easy for us to be brow-beaten into doing more when we return to our homes to see a bright-eyed little sweetheart anxious to spend time with us (sometimes for the first time today) into just checking the email one more time or making that one more phone call for fear of being asked "did you talk to so-and-so yesterday?" by the boss over morning coffee.

One of the worst stories I have heard so far was a poor woman who left her job for maternity leave and promised to return to her job in 12 weeks with the agreement between her and her employer that when she came back that she would work an abbreviated week. She returned just as she promised only to hear "sorry, there's been a change we need you here full-time". Well, the options were two. Work full-time or pack up your desk. Sad isn't it? No one even gave her the opportunity to see if she could have done the job just fine without being in the office 5 days a week. Interestingly enough, I don't know any better or more efficient multi-tasking go-getters than the working parent. Do you? Why? Because we have way more at stake than our non-parenting colleagues.

When does it stop? When does the working parent get valued in the workplace? Why is it when we need to be home with a sick child or take leave of work early to be at that soccer game that we get the look that tells us that our actions are not well-respected or thought of positively? I want to give you a voice and a say. I know you are out there and I want to hear your story. Please share it with me. I know I am not alone. The best friendships are forged in fire and change happens when 'the norm' gets to painful to stay with. Who's with me?