When the Love is Gone at the Office

I have been working for my current employer for the past 5 years. It is actually 7 years if you count the two years I spent at their San Francisco Bay Area office. When I first started, I was a former EMT who had recently moved from Boston. I couldn’t work on an ambulance in California so I needed a career change. A friend had mentioned that one of his senior sales reps needed an assistant at his company. I didn’t know anything about working in an office or selling IT stuff but I did know I needed money so off I went to work for “Nick” answering phones and helping customers with questions.
My awkward first week turned into a goldmine. I went on to work for other reps and with the last rep I worked for I increased his sales by 50% in 6 months. Next I knew, the company was asking me to work for them as a rep. Me! I was so excited. I was in heaven. I was making more money than some of my friends who were lawyers and doctors. I couldn’t believe they paid me for this.
The “Dot Bomb” happened and I relocated back home. Now I had experience. I had clout. I had the most important thing when looking for another lucrative sales job; I had credibility and a good track record. The long hours and ulcer inducing work life were no sweat for me. I made up for it in late night outings with my coworkers drinking cosmopolitans and smoking cigarettes for dinner. As far as I was concerned, I arrived. But the Dot.com implosion continued right up until 9-11 where things got worse in the IT industry from there.
No worries, I landed back with my first company where I had started as a sales rep. The general manager at the Boston office knew me, heard of my success and was eager to bring me on board as a consultant helping his slumping sales ramp up quickly and train his current reps in a more consultative approach of which I basically pioneered in the Bay Area.
What could be better? I could be paid to tell other people how to do the work, participate when people came to me for answers and become an overpaid know-it-all. But life just doesn’t sustain that way, especially when pride and laziness are involved and I was no exception to the rule. 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant I had a meeting with general manager and the sales manager and me. I was told that they couldn’t financially sustain my position but that I brought interesting skills and knowledge to the company and they didn’t want to let that go. I was demoted (in my mind) to a sales rep again. I was not too happy to be doing the grunt work. I hadn’t done it in almost 3 years. I didn’t want to either but with a baby coming; I was in just as interesting a situation as I was when I started with this company in California. I needed money more than I needed to be comfortable in a position. Once again I reluctantly agreed.
Two years later, I hate it. I can’t do the long hours and I can’t have a cosmo and a smoke for dinner when I leave the office at 10PM on a Tuesday. I can’t even have a beer with coworkers after work without a two-week notice. After all, I am needed at home with my baby and I hate not being able to see her off to bed. No one asks me to lunch or out for drinks. I am too busy working to make up for the shortened hours. I used to be the “cool kid” in San Fran now I am the square mom. My how things have changed. I am looking for a job with a better commute, maybe out of direct sales but I come with so many caveats now. I can’t be in before 8:30, I can’t work past 5. I can’t travel a lot, and I’d like to work from home one or two days a week if I can. I really do need a flex-spending account and good healthcare. Notably, I am a little nervous. Do I still have what it takes to be the #1 sales rep in the office again? Do I want to be?
I am feeling washed up, used up and cranky lately but I am still being paid to do a job. I want to do a good job but I am wading through emotional marshmallow trying to rally and motivate. I think the key to getting through it is to just be honest about it. I am not pretending it’s okay. I show up, I do the job and I go home. I talk honestly with my friends and husband about how I feel and I keep it to myself at work. Maybe this feeling will pass or it won’t but whatever happens, I don’t want my integrity tarnished as a result of how I feel. No one admires a coworker who habitually complains about being unhappy and ‘looking’. Just because I don’t feel like a million bucks every morning at work doesn’t mean I need to make everyone around my cube feel miserable for it.