Where Have You Been CareerMomma?

So long since we last spoke, I know. Lots of things have changed my life since my last post. I remain faithful to my mission, to give working parents a voice and a hope that work/life balance will be the reality not the buzz word of the decade. So what happened?

My dear husband Greg was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure at the ripe old age of 37. I was in the middle of rebuilding my illustrious career as a business woman post-pardom when this happened. I was a sunny day in April. The winter blahs were giving way to the hope of warmer weather and fresh air. Devastated and scared, I threw myself into work in an effort to escape and be the breadwinner. Greg was not getting better. His fear of death and his family's fate was a reality that sent him spiraling into crippling depression pretty regularly. It was so hard to watch a happy, funny guy that everyone loved being around diminish into a spare bedroom to live on a futon in front of the TV in silence at every available opportunity. I was sad for him and also angry that this condition had taken so much of my husband. I had a stranger living in my house. A house guest who had over stayed his welcome and I wanted him out and the old Greg to move back in. That never happened.

Marriage difficulties can only be expected with the amount of stress it takes, having a sick spouse. As more and more of the crushing burden weighed on our relationship, the more I threw myself into work and a business plan I had decided to put into action. I often fell asleep at my laptop. I pursued every available escape I could. I felt as though the world was strapped to my back every day. I had to do something, to show him that Carli and I would be "ok". I could make it happen and be on my own. I didn't want him to worry but this thought process separated us emotionally even more. We fought. He got distant and I got bitter. Didn't he know how important my career and my goals were?

Greg's passing was a tidal wave that washed over me on a beautiful summer afternoon. I knew this would come. I thought of what it would be like but I couldn't have possibly prepared myself. What I imagined was a misting when in fact, it was really a hurricane of emotion headed my way. I thought I had already mourned. I wasn't even getting started. Regret, guilt, sadness and confusion were daily beatings I took on. It is hard to lose someone so close and even harder when the relationship was not where you'd have liked it to be. That one last conversation that would have fixed it all, it wouldn't happen. There really is no such conversation but it is nice to think of when you have nothing left to do.

I couldn't throw myself into work any more. Being a single mother took too much time. Either work suffered or my relationship with Carli did. I had to make a choice, I made the best one. I am not a Director of Sales any longer. I am a Freelance Writer. I'll be telling my story of business, career, motherhood and reinvention of self in my blogs and my upcoming book. I hope you'd join me. Nice to see you again my old friends!

Giving Back For Real

I am a big believer in Pay It Forward. The idea that I can pass on what I have so generously been given resonates with me in a way that only an underdog can appreciate. Being able to share experiences and inspire others to the greatness is divinely inspired.

There is a cry out there for help. Lots of non-profits out there are geared toward helping women from financially disadvantaged situations gain education and worthwhile employment. These women are largely single and have not had the privilege of secondary education, if they have even finished High School. Crittendon Women's Union in Boston, MA. is such an organization. Advocacy, education, family services and temporary housing are the mainstays that help disadvantage women regain financial independence.

What does an organization like this need? Perhaps you guessed, volunteers. Volunteers, ladies. I know how busy a working woman is these days. Believe me, I have to schedule a simple coffee with my cousin at least 6-weeks in advance. I could lay the ole' 'If it were you...' thing on you if it were that simple, but it isn't. What is behind volunteering to help a woman in these organizations is breaking the cycle for her children. You are helping a mom be able to be with her children, show kids that their mom can achieve despite the odds, prove the value of education and help a family flourish. The future of our country depends on as many children (especially in urban areas) see the value of education and nuclear family as we can. In a time of educational turmoil where extra-curricular activities and art-based programs are being cut from school budgets children need to see the benefits of sticking with their educational career. Nothing will help them see that than a mom who has worked hard and seen it pay off. These women are desperate for a successful woman to take an interest in them and show them that they too are worthwhile and can add value to society not matter what their past has looked like.

What can you do? Volunteering can be as simple as being available to help with resume writing, teaching computer skills or being a supportive ear. Programs for At Risk Families can be found by calling your state department or a simple web search. Some programs are only looking for 1-4 hours of your time a month. The rewards are so monumental. Giving back what you have been given, imparting wisdom, helping someone have a future, to me is worth more than any lost hour spent in front of the TV.

You can also give back and help out politically if mentoring and teaching is not your speed. The AFL-CIO has a wealth of information on how you can get involved politically to protect the rights of working families, particularly the working poor. If you'd also like to see how our presidential candidates stack up on these issues, I invite you to log on to the AFL-CIO website to find out more.

Ladies, we can't progress as a nation unless we are all progressing together. What we do today to inspire, esteem, educate will dictate the future of our nation. They are not someone else's family, the are 'We the People' of the United States of America.

I have recently signed on to be a mentor for the local Home for Little Wanderers. This organization houses, educates, counsels and finds foster and adoptive homes for in some cases, children who have been abandoned by their families. These young men and women are in great need of an adult who can show them they are worth the time, the energy and the love. An ounce of prevention in my opinion. The direction and love I show now may mean another young lady doesn't wind up on the streets or worse. If I can reach just one it will be worth it.

Please find it in your heart to give back? Haven't you been given so much?

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new boss proved fruitless. The first day came and went with no new boss. I asked the General Manager what the hold up was. "You didn't get my email?" he chirped? She had rescinded her acceptance of the offer. The excuse? Her current employer countered with a $60,000 increase in her salary. I don't buy excuse for a second but I am a skeptic. If it's true, I would love to know what it would take to get a job there.

Since I was next in line for the throne, I awaited my next meeting with my supervisor on the subject at hand. That also came and went. I wondered of course, where did it go? I had to find out. I consulted one of my known offices sources for information. I asked my friend Donna who was helping with the interview process of new managers. She'd know. I usually saddle up to her cube in the morning for daily pleasantries over coffee so she'd suspect nothing of my inquiry. "So what happened to Kathryn?" I aske with raised eyebrows and an innocent twist to my face. "She changed her mind" she flatly replied, also adding "they gave an offer to the other guy." Other guy?! What other guy? The other guy is the gentleman that no one liked when they interviewed him. Why hadn't they gone back to me? That would be the natural question. Donna also helped the angst by asking me the very question, "Didn't they come back to you?" I hated to answer. I could hardly lift my eyes from the floor. Chewing my lip, I bid her 'good day' and went back to me desk dazed by the unanswered questions in my mind.

The phone rang about a week later. It was my friend Allison. I used to work with Allison. We were office mates. She was my mentor early on in my career. I prize my relationship with Allison, maybe even a little more than she does. We have been friends through job changes, moves, marriages, divorces, kids, you name it. I count on her counsel. While we are close, we haven't spoken much lately in the last year or so. It was good to hear from her until the end of our conversation. Just as we were winding down she asked me why I didn't tell her that I had applied for the Sales Manager position at my office. She previously held that position in another office so it would make sense to ask me how come I didn't tell her. I matter of factly replied that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next few sentences leveled me. She said, "You don't want that job, in fact that is what I told Jay (the Assistant General Manager in charge of the hiring for the job I wanted) when I saw him last week." I couldn't breathe. She went on, "I told him that he knew you wouldn't be happy in that job and he agreed after I talked to him." I was stunned. I must have looked like someone hit me with a brick. Holding the phone to my ear, my eyes darted back and forth as I listened. I was desperately trying to find something to say. I couldn't. I couldn't interject, yell, scream, cry or laugh. Me, the one with the quick lines and the great comebacks had nothing. I wanted to ask a question. Why would she do that? Why would she stand in the way of a promotion I wanted? Why in the world would she say something like that after the roller coaster ride I had gone through of being interviewed, rejected, awaiting the boss who's job I wanted, then hearing that she'd rescinded and not getting a second shot. After all this, why? It was pretty simple really. Her conversation with my boss, Jay, was meant to be candid and meaningless but in the end, it was the damning conclusion that my might-have-been promotion came to.

So it ends? This remains to be seen. Now, I get to face the next new boss, candidate #3. The boss who's job I wanted, who wasn't even a consideration until one innocent conversation took me out of the race. I believe in nothing happens for a reason but still, it smarts.

Character: When No One Knows You

It's interesting to me how many facets a person has. There is the Work Me, Mommy Me, Wife Me, Daughter Me, Friend Me, Sales Rep Me, then there is the me that the world sees. The world who doesn't know me. That Me is a face in the crowd. The world's only opinion of that Me is squarely grounded on what kind of experience they have with me whether it be calling a customer service line to complain about my cell phone service (or lack there of) or responding back to the checkout girl at the grocery store with "I am good and how are you?".

I am always baffled when I startle a store clerk out of their customer greeting routine by not only answering their stale "how are you today?" with "good, how are you?" and actually look at the questioner and wait for a response. You'd be amazed at the smiles and levity in the conversation during my grocery bagging time between me and the checkout personnel. They even remember me when I come in. Why? Because that Me was a good experience and they are more or less expecting that Me to come back when they see my face in the store again. They wouldn't expect any less. To them I am a "nice lady".

Let's reverse it. What if they asked the time worn question again and I responded by raising my voice and complaining that the grocery carts were all wet from being left out in the rain, I couldn't find my favorite yogurt and that there were not enough lines open at checkout for the 100th time. They'd remember me alright and they'd be hoping I didn't come in when they were working! My face in their line would be met with distress and sighing. They would think I was a miserable person who was out to make everyone in my path join me in my bitterness. What a thought. Do you think those out there that complain and shout get up the morning and say, "Gees who can I make miserable today? Let's spin the Wheel of Misery and find out! OH! It's the grocery store clerk today." You would think so if they always came in with a sour lemon face and a porcupine personality.

It can be so easy to get messed up in problems of the day, week, life and find yourself in that little self-focused bubble that helps you forget everyone around you. It seems that the worst day of your life has an interesting way of being met with the newspaper sales person who has called you at dinner time for the umpteenth time this year. Wait...pause...breathe. Boy, it would be so easy to fire off and hang up. Who are you hanging up on? A single mom who hasn't seen her kids all day working a 3rd job to make ends meet? A kid who is trying to put himself through college? A person whos best friend died just days ago? We never think about these scenarios when faced with the anonymous person who interacts with us. To us, they are Anonymous Them and we have no idea who they are. To them we are Anonymous Us, the unfeeling, uncaring person who treats them like garbage for inconveniencing us.

Next time someone asks "how are you?" please recognize the person behind the question and the job and answer with a smile. There is a person behind that face. That life that has seen all kinds of things and you just will never know where they have been but trust me, they've been there. How do I know? Because I've "been there". Haven't we all? How about a smile and a "hello" for the office cleaning personnel whom you know doesn't speak english. It doesn't matter if they know what you said or how to respond. A smile is universal, everyone knows that language. There should be National Smile Day. I think we would all feel better.

Career on the Back Burner?

At the behest of his wife, my husband has been pursuing a different employer as his current position, while solid and benefit laden, offers no room for advancement and little job satisfaction. It is one of those jobs that his father's generation would have envied, in fact his father is pretty incensed that he would like to leave. Why would he want to with a pension, a cost of living increase of 1% every two years, discounts galore at local merchants, etc. Problem is, he hates it and he'll be there a million years before he ever gets a promotion because no one leaves. It's a graveyard and he knows it.

He is meeting this week with a new employer and the HR department to discuss salary for his new position. This could be a really nice increase, a chance to work at a world-renowned hospital and opportunities to do the kind of work he has been wanting to get into. This of course is what I wanted for him. I am thrilled that he has this opportunity and especially more money, to be honest.

His brainstorming over dinner took me by surprise. He excitedly guessed at what he would likely be offered, what they would say and when he would start. Of course, I hope all of his guess work becomes reality, except for one. His announcement that with what he should be making that I can leave my full-time position and that I wouldn't need to work full-time. Uh, did I say I wanted to give up my career entirely?! Wasn't it him that up until recently said, "Britt, you know you are not the kind of person to be relegated to the barracks every day". He balked when I wanted to stay home initially after I had my daughter two years ago. In fact, we even had some pretty heated arguments about it. I reluctantly went back to the office. Now, I enjoy my work and my brain exercise that I get every day. Getting dressed for the office does have its 'feel good about yourself' perks as well.

I had only days ago mentioned to him, the idea that I had of offering my consulting skills to my current employer on a part-time basis. I thought if I could offer them my skills part-time and also secure other part-time work with other locations also consulting I would have exactly what I wanted. I would have full-time pay and the flexibility to work from home full-time and have the full say on how, where and when I worked. I thought it sounded great! Now, the idea is talked down to and something I should only seek out if it is going to be full-time.

This dinosaur is just not ready for the bone yard. I know that I can do rewarding work, balance my life with my family and earn an income and it doesn't mean waiting tables unless I want to. I resent the idea that I have to either pursue a full-time career at a full-time job with no flexibility or work at the local diner. I think taking your talents and turning them into "be your own boss" money-making is genius and I know lots of women who do it.

Does it always have to be a choice?

Your thoughts:

New Boss Woman Cometh

Yesterday was a blissful day. A day of purging closets, toy boxes and all out onslaught of cleaning. I love these days, the feeling of bagging up that which has overstayed its welcome in my closets and donating it to be adopted by the next person. I would prefer the recipient to be a person in need. The feeling of passing on gives me a lift as I put things into bags and discover clothes I thought I got rid of by accident lurking in the back corners of my closet. After I moved the clothes around I got out the cleaning supplies, the smell of clean wafted around my house.

I was just on my last carpet to vacuum when I remember what tomorrow was. The new boss's first day. I was gripped a little by the tightness in my throat recalling this ominously approaching day. I thought I had gotten over this looming emotion of "what will she think of me?" and "what will she be like?". I wanted to wear the big girl panties, strut in there with hand extended and heartily welcome her aboard despite my losing the position to her only weeks ago.

I had visions of me being the oak tree of fortitude and integrity on her first day. No worries here, glad to have her better still. Maybe she would ask me for a hand? All would see, I was the better for the whole experience. The sweat on my palms as I almost rammed the vacuum into my closet door reminded me that I wasn't quite out of the woods of post promotion -losing scorn. I hated myself for the realization.

It is amazing how I seemed to take great care in doing my hair and makeup Monday morning. Even if I did lose the position to her, I could still be the better looking one. That would really chap her! How juvenile I can be in moments of insecurity. I made sure I was pressed, polished and in early.

I sat write down and started charging through work. I chirped on and on with each call to my client base. She would see just what an asset I was. I hoped she would considering I had spent my whole drive in with day nightmares that the first thing she would do was fire me before her morning coffee so as to make an example and get rid of the one she knew would give her trouble. She got the job, no need to see me going around sulking. Yes, she would cut the fat right then and there. I would be the sacrificial lamb to the rest of the sales team a sign that she meant business about turning this department around. Either take heed or meet the same fate. That was my morning, I barely paid attention to what was on the radio over the incessant rambling and scenarios in my head. My new boss would be like Leona Helmsley as far as my imagination was concerned.

I heard this new voice over the cube walls all morning. She sounded nice. Sweet even. I dared not go over. Then, why did no one take her around and introduce her? The suspense was killing me. Around 10AM I swallowed hard and walked over. Smoothing out my dress, I plastered on a smile and peered around the cube wall. I was greeted by the Marketing Manager and...her new report.

I was wrong about today, the new boss woman starts on Thursday. All that gut-turning nonsense for nothing. It taught me one thing though. If I think I am the nirvana-like mature one in the office, I better think again. Boss Helmsley or not, I can meet her with dignity or go in swinging and lose the respect of many. I like the Jackie O. look better than the Tanya Harding look any day of the week.

When the Love is Gone at the Office

I have been working for my current employer for the past 5 years. It is actually 7 years if you count the two years I spent at their San Francisco Bay Area office. When I first started, I was a former EMT who had recently moved from Boston. I couldn’t work on an ambulance in California so I needed a career change. A friend had mentioned that one of his senior sales reps needed an assistant at his company. I didn’t know anything about working in an office or selling IT stuff but I did know I needed money so off I went to work for “Nick” answering phones and helping customers with questions.
My awkward first week turned into a goldmine. I went on to work for other reps and with the last rep I worked for I increased his sales by 50% in 6 months. Next I knew, the company was asking me to work for them as a rep. Me! I was so excited. I was in heaven. I was making more money than some of my friends who were lawyers and doctors. I couldn’t believe they paid me for this.
The “Dot Bomb” happened and I relocated back home. Now I had experience. I had clout. I had the most important thing when looking for another lucrative sales job; I had credibility and a good track record. The long hours and ulcer inducing work life were no sweat for me. I made up for it in late night outings with my coworkers drinking cosmopolitans and smoking cigarettes for dinner. As far as I was concerned, I arrived. But the Dot.com implosion continued right up until 9-11 where things got worse in the IT industry from there.
No worries, I landed back with my first company where I had started as a sales rep. The general manager at the Boston office knew me, heard of my success and was eager to bring me on board as a consultant helping his slumping sales ramp up quickly and train his current reps in a more consultative approach of which I basically pioneered in the Bay Area.
What could be better? I could be paid to tell other people how to do the work, participate when people came to me for answers and become an overpaid know-it-all. But life just doesn’t sustain that way, especially when pride and laziness are involved and I was no exception to the rule. 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant I had a meeting with general manager and the sales manager and me. I was told that they couldn’t financially sustain my position but that I brought interesting skills and knowledge to the company and they didn’t want to let that go. I was demoted (in my mind) to a sales rep again. I was not too happy to be doing the grunt work. I hadn’t done it in almost 3 years. I didn’t want to either but with a baby coming; I was in just as interesting a situation as I was when I started with this company in California. I needed money more than I needed to be comfortable in a position. Once again I reluctantly agreed.
Two years later, I hate it. I can’t do the long hours and I can’t have a cosmo and a smoke for dinner when I leave the office at 10PM on a Tuesday. I can’t even have a beer with coworkers after work without a two-week notice. After all, I am needed at home with my baby and I hate not being able to see her off to bed. No one asks me to lunch or out for drinks. I am too busy working to make up for the shortened hours. I used to be the “cool kid” in San Fran now I am the square mom. My how things have changed. I am looking for a job with a better commute, maybe out of direct sales but I come with so many caveats now. I can’t be in before 8:30, I can’t work past 5. I can’t travel a lot, and I’d like to work from home one or two days a week if I can. I really do need a flex-spending account and good healthcare. Notably, I am a little nervous. Do I still have what it takes to be the #1 sales rep in the office again? Do I want to be?
I am feeling washed up, used up and cranky lately but I am still being paid to do a job. I want to do a good job but I am wading through emotional marshmallow trying to rally and motivate. I think the key to getting through it is to just be honest about it. I am not pretending it’s okay. I show up, I do the job and I go home. I talk honestly with my friends and husband about how I feel and I keep it to myself at work. Maybe this feeling will pass or it won’t but whatever happens, I don’t want my integrity tarnished as a result of how I feel. No one admires a coworker who habitually complains about being unhappy and ‘looking’. Just because I don’t feel like a million bucks every morning at work doesn’t mean I need to make everyone around my cube feel miserable for it.