So long since we last spoke, I know. Lots of things have changed my life since my last post. I remain faithful to my mission, to give working parents a voice and a hope that work/life balance will be the reality not the buzz word of the decade. So what happened?
My dear husband Greg was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure at the ripe old age of 37. I was in the middle of rebuilding my illustrious career as a business woman post-pardom when this happened. I was a sunny day in April. The winter blahs were giving way to the hope of warmer weather and fresh air. Devastated and scared, I threw myself into work in an effort to escape and be the breadwinner. Greg was not getting better. His fear of death and his family's fate was a reality that sent him spiraling into crippling depression pretty regularly. It was so hard to watch a happy, funny guy that everyone loved being around diminish into a spare bedroom to live on a futon in front of the TV in silence at every available opportunity. I was sad for him and also angry that this condition had taken so much of my husband. I had a stranger living in my house. A house guest who had over stayed his welcome and I wanted him out and the old Greg to move back in. That never happened.
Marriage difficulties can only be expected with the amount of stress it takes, having a sick spouse. As more and more of the crushing burden weighed on our relationship, the more I threw myself into work and a business plan I had decided to put into action. I often fell asleep at my laptop. I pursued every available escape I could. I felt as though the world was strapped to my back every day. I had to do something, to show him that Carli and I would be "ok". I could make it happen and be on my own. I didn't want him to worry but this thought process separated us emotionally even more. We fought. He got distant and I got bitter. Didn't he know how important my career and my goals were?
Greg's passing was a tidal wave that washed over me on a beautiful summer afternoon. I knew this would come. I thought of what it would be like but I couldn't have possibly prepared myself. What I imagined was a misting when in fact, it was really a hurricane of emotion headed my way. I thought I had already mourned. I wasn't even getting started. Regret, guilt, sadness and confusion were daily beatings I took on. It is hard to lose someone so close and even harder when the relationship was not where you'd have liked it to be. That one last conversation that would have fixed it all, it wouldn't happen. There really is no such conversation but it is nice to think of when you have nothing left to do.
I couldn't throw myself into work any more. Being a single mother took too much time. Either work suffered or my relationship with Carli did. I had to make a choice, I made the best one. I am not a Director of Sales any longer. I am a Freelance Writer. I'll be telling my story of business, career, motherhood and reinvention of self in my blogs and my upcoming book. I hope you'd join me. Nice to see you again my old friends!
