CareerMomma

The Lesson in Less

2010-07-21T22:16:00.004-04:00

I live in America. Being a U.S. Citizen, I have great opportunities and over the years I have learned to take advantage of them. I have gone from someone who made a minimum wage after school to an income I was well satisfied with. I was able to afford things I never dreamed of and had grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Of course, you'd think that made me very happy but it didn't. When I went from married woman to single mom suddenly, the pace and the effort it took to keep up with my appetite for living made me grow weary. I wanted more free time, I wanted less stress. I wanted less bills. I wanted less results of wanting more.

The pinnacle came as I was driving my brand new Mercedes into the city where I worked. My office was in a prestigious building right in Boston's financial district. I wore beautiful tailored suits and ate nice lunches with my coworkers. As I sat in my latest purchase, staring at the traffic and being frustrated by the wait I started to cry. I called my mother and told her that I just wanted a simpler life. I didn't want all that I'd worked for any more. It was making me miserable. If this was "it" then life could have it back. I wanted to quit my job and write a book. Her unexpected reply was "so do it". And, the next day, I did. I packed up my desk, had a few long meetings with my supervisor and Vice President and left with a box and a smile.

The time I have spent in shorts and flip flops since then has been great, mostly. I don't have to be up before dawn, I spend time with my daughter in the morning making breakfast, putting together puzzles, discussing what we'll do today, fixing her hair and leisurely getting her off to pre-school. I come home and eat breakfast and fire up my laptop to get writing. Sometimes, I don't even shower until after lunch. Easy, some would say. I sit in my tiny shoebox of a condo on the second floor in a small Key West neighborhood. I call it The Tree House because my balcony is surrounded by flowering trees and palms. My condo could have fit 4x into my old house. There is no lawn to worry about mowing, no landscaping, no nothing to do maintenance wise. I was doing okay financially. I didn't have the freedoms to spend like I did before but it was kind of a novelty to not just buy anything on a whim. I think I was playing with the idea of having less but actually seeing it in action was going to be another story.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Getting a lesson in less was coming. It is a long story but with the social security benefits I am living on plus the proceeds of my investments that I have used, I never gave a second thought to money being tight. I had enough and that was all I cared about. I was still able to get pedicures and massages, that mattered to me. I needed to get the car washed once a week, it's an unwritten rule. You need to get your car washed regularly or people will think badly of you, didn't you know that? One thing led to another in my checking account. Money went this way and that and a cash out on my investment proceeds somehow never ended up being sent and I didn't realize that the check they were sending in the mail to me the day I called wasn't coming and it had somehow been mistakenly voided and couldn't be reissued for another 30 days. Did Mr. Customer Service on the phone just say 30 days?!
I immediately logged in to my bank account to see what cleared and figure out what I absolutely needed to spend in the next week and a half. That left me with a whopping 40 dollars. I had 40 dollars to my name, for the next 10 days. How in the world does anyone live on that for what seemed to be an eternity. Impossible I thought. It can't be done. I moped, I complained to God, I felt sorry for myself, all kinds of negative things. I started to resent my decision to quit my job and be down here at the very end of Florida.

What was I going to do? I decided to give it a try. To live on my 40 dollars and not use my credit cards until my next deposit. It was great challenge but I was willing to see how little I could live on and still put food on the table and gas in my car. I took inventory of what was in my cabinets and freezer. I determined that we'd probably be okay. Instead of just going to the grocery store because it was Wednesday and that was grocery day, I decided to use what ever we had to make meals. I couldn't just make what I felt like having. I had meal plans and had to stick to them. Carli wasn't getting her choice of what to have for dinner. She had to eat what I put in front of her. Quite a feat for a very picky little toddler. We had a couple of nights of crying at the table but she rallied quickly when I didn't relent and told me she was "better now" and got down to eating. Who knew? She could overcome her finicky eating habits.

The gas I had in the tank of my over-priced crossover was going to have to do. I had to fight the urge to bust out the American Express and just drive by the gas station. Gasp! I couldn't wash the car for two weeks. To top it off, I had to park my car under a tree for a couple of days and we all know what birds in trees do to cars that are underneath them. I had to drive around in shame. You know what? No one pointed and laughed. No one looked at me in disgust. It was okay. I did it but the morning my deposit hit, I was right to the car wash, no questions asked.

So where are we in my lesson? I didn't go to Starbucks, walk to the corner to get Carli ice cream or pick up any trinkets. I did go to the dollar store for trash bags and to the grocery store for the essential things that couldn't wait like milk, bread and vegetables. I had seven dollars left over after my trips to the store. The last part of the lesson came when I pulled into a gas station with my last 7 bucks and put what I could afford in cash into my car. No one starved over the last two weeks. I got to where we needed to go. I consolidated trips to places and we walked when we could. Where I ended up was leftovers in my fridge and a little less than a quarter of a tank until I got to the gas station this morning and twenty six dollars still in my checking account. I lacked nothing I needed over the last two weeks. No one went without and no one suffered anything. When we ran out of convenience breakfast foods we made pancake batter. It was fun, Carli loved it and she ate pancakes almost every morning. That is heaven to a 3 year old. When we ran out of snacks, we made sugar cookies. Fun times had by all and what beats homemade cookies anyway? I invented entrees with unlikely ingredients that I will definitely make again.

My life is much simpler. The lesson in less was not easy but it was very necessary. Even with the less that I had, I had so much more than other people right here on this very island I am hanging out on. I am blessed, still. I don't mourn the loss of shopping trips and online purchases any more. I am happy with what I have and content to make great and appreciate what I call mine. I have too much. I am thinking of ways to trim what I can to make it easier and not worry about trivial things that don't really matter and excess is definitely one of those trivial things.

Love Thy Neighbor Part 3 - Forgiveness

2010-07-06T12:09:00.002-04:00

Forgiveness is something everyone wants. I know I do when I mess up. Oddly, it is something that most are very slow, if at all, to give away. If we all want it so badly when do we hesitate or deny it to others? Some would say, "I do forgive". I would question, think of someone who has wronged you that you think that you have forgiven. I mean someone who has really wronged you, it caused damage to the relationship. Think of them, bring them to mind. How do you feel? Pain, sorrow, anger, frustration? Anything like that? If you don't have any emotion other than the good, fuzzy feelings of friendship or love I am sorry to say, there is something between you that hasn't been forgiven. I know first hand.

Studying myself in situations of asking for and extending forgiveness I have noted a few things. First of all, asking for forgiveness is very hard. It is, if you are sincerely looking for reconciliation rather than an "I'm sorry too" in return. I know it is nice to get the other side to admit fault but it doesn't always happen. Sometimes they even apologize for something else that wasn't even what you had in mind! Oh, the complexities of relationships. In any case, the first times I earnestly sought forgiveness were and remain, very powerful and humbling experiences for me. In all but one case, there has been reconciliation on some level, meaning the relationship continued on either immediately or eventually in some way.

One comes to most readily is one that was not only hard but the recipient challenged my motives, I would say now to that person, good for you! It was someone with whom I worked along side who eventually became my supervisor. The thing between us was, as peers, we had differing views on how my program within the company should run. I created our program and he had run a successful, similar program at another office within the same company. My program was also successful. I was not very open at all to his trying to mentor me when I hadn't asked for it. Honestly, I was pretty full of my own ego and didn't appreciate him trying to deflate it either. Tensions progressed and further down the road our boss informed us that he had too many managers reporting to him and that I would roll up under this man's team. You'd have thought that our boss had punched me in the face right then and there. I was resentful. My relationship with this then peer and now boss continued to deteriorate. I was indignant, disrespectful and openly critical. I should have been fired but for some reason he didn't. I had come to a place over time where I needed this office distress to end. I hated going to work and I didn't want to find another job. I sat down, went over where my faults were in this relationship and humbly presented them to him after a regularly scheduled business meeting and asked him to forgive me. I went on to say, which I think is most important in these situations, to define what my plan was to not let this behavior continue. He surprisingly pushed back. He asked me to state examples of what I felt were my trespasses against him. I was caught off guard, took a second and then gave him one or two. He asked for more. I swallowed and pressed on, giving him more detail and some others. Something most interesting happened. His face changed. It softened, he looked almost emotional and informed me that no one had ever put him in this situation of asking forgiveness before. He thanked me and we left the conference room. Our relationship changed immediately and for the better. We went on to have many great wins in business together. It turns out, we were a very formidable force together and we remain friends and I hold him as one of my best supervisors, mentors and role models in business. Imagine that.

Harder though is extending forgiveness, mostly to those who are not seeking our forgiveness in the first place. This is my "all but one" person I referred to earlier. I find that this is so common among us. It is so hard to get through and although it causes us so much pain and emotional scarring, it seems we'd rather allow it to reek havoc rather than heal it. I am in fact, still working through this myself with this individual. This person is a family member. During a great trial in my life, this person extended help and the security of help and undying love for me and my daughter. I didn't know this person well in an up close and personal sense but I took the emotion to be genuine and accepted. Public and private promises were made and almost immediately were reneged on. Resentment welled up in me and two more disappointments lead to me, very publicly, announcing this person's wrongs and letting everyone know who I thought he really was. I don't even need to detail the extensive damaged that did to our relationship. I was angry, rage-filled and vengeful. I felt completely justified in my actions at the time. I still believe that this person did wrong me. The sticking point is, I have humbled myself to see my errors, presented these to this individual on more than one occasion not only to have my asking for forgiveness rejected but even harsher words hurled back at me. This person is not open to any communication from me or my daughter at this time. Rejection of me is fine, I've had to live with that before but when it comes to my daughter that is another thing entirely. The "Momma Bear" in me rises and I want to swipe my paw at anyone who dare harm her. I considered this person's actions to be an affront to the emotional well-being of my daughter and I couldn't let it go. The mere mention of his name, the thought of this person made my blood boil over. My jaw clenched, I never turned down the opportunity to voice how hurt and disgusted I was with this person's behavior to my family and close friends. Truth be told, I hated how I felt about this person and I wanted to let it go but I couldn't. I prayed about it, resolved to not feel this way any more, only to be disappointed to find myself angry and discussing how I felt about the situation, again. The crossroads came recently when I had to contact a company my late husband had an annuity with to find out how to close it out. I called and was informed that the paperwork for the beneficiary would be in the mail in a week. Not really paying too much attention, the mail came and to my utter shock, this individual was named as the beneficiary, not me his wife. Ironically, after I felt like I was punched in the stomach for about an hour, this pinnacle helped me let it go. I took the paperwork, put it in an envelope along with a note explaining what this person had to do, stuck it in a mailbox and walked away. Why did this bring about change? I really don't know. Maybe God was pressing me to put my prayers into action and decide if I really wanted to stop carrying around this baggage any more. Will this bring about change in our relationship? I really don't know but I am finally able to think of this person and wish them well. When the thoughts reappear of me talking to this person again and what I would say, I immediately changed the subject in my mind. I can't entertain the "who's right" argument any more. It doesn't matter. This was initially a miscommunication that needed to be resolved followed by someone not meeting my expectations and my reaction toward that. It could have been easily settled but now it may never happen. That's okay. I can leave it there without needing to open old wounds every time someone brings this person up or I think about it.

I've learned that forgiveness is an action. I need to decide to forgive and be committed to the forgiveness regardless of what happens. Easier said than done but I feel so much better having put this into practice. I have wronged people and I have had to ask for forgiveness and they have graciously extended that to me. They, I believe, have moved on and allowed our relationship to continue. If I would expect that from others, why shouldn't others expect that from me?

Love Thy Neighbor

2010-06-22T12:09:00.002-04:00

Everyone has heard the quote "Love Thy Neighbor" or at least The Golden Rule "Do unto others". Interesting that when people quote these two phrases that they will inevitably leave off the rest of the sentence "as yourself" and "as you would have done unto you". In a world of bumper stickers, T-Shirts and banners that all scream for us to "Celebrate Diversity", "Give Peace a Chance" and be "One Human Family" you would think we would be doing a great job of this. I mean, people seem to be buying into the hype. They are putting these things on their bodies and cars. How are we really doing? Honestly, I would say not too well. Let me explain...
I am living on a very small island right now, 2 miles by 4 miles to be exact. I get the benefit of seeing society operate on a micro-scale. It's pretty interesting considering Key West considers themselves such an open community. What I see a lot of is passivity and tolerance, not too much in the way of love. Recently we had Pride Fest. A 5-day, yearly celebration of being gay I guess. There really is a more meaningful event behind this festival but it seems to be lost down here into something else. What I observed during that week about how people treated others is really what got me thinking about our two "mottos". Hundreds descended on this tiny island to celebrate. If you weren't downtown, you didn't really see too much going on but that is very hard to avoid and people came early on in the week to make a vacation out of it. Seems logical. The descent came with an undertone or an attitude by a lot of vacationers. Kind of a "it's our town" for the week and a sense of entitlement that came from being there for the celebration toward the locals and others. It gave pride a new meaning to me and not in the good sense. But not to leave out anyone else in the non-love was a man that seems to creep up on busy intersections pretty regularly around here, the "God Hates Fags" guy. His guy repulses me on so many levels. The biggest one is that he wears the banner of Christianity while holding his signs "God Hates Fags" and "God Brought The Oil Because He Hates Fags". First of all God doesn't hate anyone. In fact, Jesus was the one quoted in "Love thy neighbor as thyself"! Second of all, there are no oil spill effects in the Keys at the time of this writing thing so the other sign he carries is just silly. I want to make my own signs and keep them in my car so I can stand next to him when I see him. My signs would say "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself" and "Let He That Has Not Sinned Cast The First Stone" and make arrows that point to him. I wonder how he would feel about that?

Adults behaving this way toward each other is having effects on our children in how they behave toward each other. I call this the "Me First" syndrome. Since we aren't loving each other, we are loving ourselves more. We are getting our due, exercising our rights, putting ourselves first. My next example is two children at the zoo while I was there with my mother and Carli. We were wondering around looking at alligators and crocodiles. The dad had reached the pen of alligators first and he was calling his children to come look. We were walking over as well. One child shoved my 3 year old out of the way while the other one ran right into me without so much as a glance back as I stumbled to regain control of my knees. The look on Dad's face was one of "they're just excited". I understood. This is how it is in their home. His permission for his children to assault people and not apologize told me everything I needed to know about him...Me first. His kids get it. When you want something, you want something and you want it first. Meanwhile, I tell Carli we have to wait our turn and everyone needs a turn. That's just me. I know that she knows that because when children shove her out of the way or step in front of her view of something, she looks up at me and says "We need to wait our turn, Mama?". I say yes and silently think about shoving those children out of her way. Where has the love gone?

My final example is one of a waitress in a breakfast place recently. I was having breakfast and was being waited on by an older woman who, in my mind, should have probably chosen another career given her lack of friendliness and courtesy toward me and my daughter. Nevertheless, I was kind to her in the same way I would have if I had been given good service. She didn't spill anything on me and she got the food to the table hot. As I was eating her manager was barking an order at her. I heard her reply "Stop talking to me that way!". What she said make me think. Stop talking to me that way implies that this attitude toward her was ongoing, not a one time thing this morning. Her frustration in her voice told me she'd had enough. I guessed her attitude toward me in the form of her customer service was not about me but about her work environment. I suddenly felt sorry for her. Who wants to be barked at while they are trying to do their job? I am glad I slowed my mind down enough to assess the situation rather than react. If I had said something quick and sharp or complained to the manager about the lack of customer service I would have made a bad situation worse for her just because I wasn't getting a smile with my coffee. Not really a big deal in comparison to the situation. I could definitely argue that I was owed a good attitude while I was there, I was a customer after all but none of this was about me in the first place. Why make it about me? Would it have made me feel better to see her berated? Would my omelet have tasted better? I doubt it and I would have further ruined someone's morning.

It's easy to love and to give to those we like and those we know well. It really takes no effort at all. After all, our friends and family members are our neighbors. Everyone who isn't you is your neighbor, or at least that is the intent of the quoter. But what about the neighbor who we don't agree with? The neighbor that we think lives a life that is not in accordance to our own values. Do we love them anyway? Do we talk badly about them in front of our children or to others?
These quotes are made because they really are hard. Loving thy neighbor and doing unto others takes us out of the equation. That means to love everyone, I have to consider everyone as important as myself. It takes a lot of self sacrifice and forgiveness. That is what I see that is lacking, in my own life and certainly how I witness the treatment of others. How are you doing with that?

I wish we were a society working towards "doing unto others" but I don't really see that at work. I see this only being conditional to being like-minded rather than just well....doing it. Challenge yourself. Extend forgiveness and a clean slate to that coworker you can't stand. Let someone cut you in line go without getting mad or saying something about it. When you want to tell your spouse about the next door neighbor who has done that thing that drives you nuts one more time, stop. Who is hearing this and what's in it for you to complain about anyway? When your children want to treat others with disrespect, make them stop and say "I'm sorry". Strike up a conversation with someone who is much different than you. You just might learn something and they may learn something from you. You would be amazed how good you will feel when you just let yourself go and put others first.

The Importance of Discipline

2010-06-18T12:30:00.003-04:00

I have always understood that good boundaries with children will help them understand that rules need to be followed, kind of like "good fences make good neighbors". It was my natural and logical understanding that a child couldn't obey rules they didn't know they were there to be followed. Made sense to me. If they know them, they will adhere. Right? Anyone who has endured toddler hood with one of their own knows the answer to that question.

The problem with young children as they mature into little people who start to think for themselves is they start to follow a simple decision making process when they run into a fence, a rule if you will. It is called selective hearing. I have seen this played out several times with my 3 year old, Carli. Being someone who can't stand repeating herself, it amuses me and annoys me to no end when I find myself giving the same instructions at least 3 times before she stops what it is I have asked her not to do. For instance, she loves to take everything out of closets, namely the bathroom. We have been over this bathroom boundary 100 times and yet it does not stop her from doing it again. Did she forget about the "no bathroom" rule? I doubt it. Was she just so overcome by her own compulsions that it didn't occur to her? I hesitate to think that is the case more than she made a decision to do what she wanted over the wishes of her mother. She wanted to "get away with it".

For most of us who do administer some sort of discipline or handing down consequences for actions, we begin to realize this is not a one time thing. Telling your children to get off the arms of your sofa seems to be a regular reminder rather than the obligatory "time out" followed by the steadfast adherence to the "sit right on the sofa" policy. It is tiring, all consuming, frustrating and sometimes seemingly hopeless to discipline. Especially for young children where the discipline for today's infraction is a success and it will subsequently be a dismal failure the next time. I have found myself sometimes wondering if all this is really doing...anything at all. Do the parents who just seem to not really do much in the way of setting boundaries have it better than those of us who are insistent on setting rules and limitations and thus following that up with a consequence? Do "free range children" have it better? Is there more harmony in those homes? I say no. They have dire consequences. They create children who grow up to be adults with no concept of laws, moral code and a sense of doing the right thing. They are the people we meet who are always thinking they are the exception to the rule. You have met them over and over. No accountability, and always shirking responsibility. What makes me so sure? See an example.

Joran Van Der Sloot. Any of us who were not familiar with his involvement in the Natalee Holloway disappearance are familiar with him now. He is a killer. A callous, unrepentant predator. So far he has been connected to two murders of young women he met in casinos, there could be more. I am not going to recount his ghastly deeds. What I want to dissect is his parents' reactions and his behavior during the investigations he was a person of interest for. I think it sheds a lot of light on how he was raised and what came of him as an adult and the apparent absence of discipline and direction as a child.

Joran was arrested for the disappearance of Natalee Holloway in Aruba 5 years ago. What astonished and infuriated me while watching the news of him was his attitude toward the police, investigators and even the very crime he was charged with. Most people, faced with being charged with a murder they didn't commit would be very scared, anxious and completely willing to comply...unless they had something to hide. People who are innocent but know something will usually tend to tell something that is as close to the truth as possible, leaving out the information they do not want to share. People need to tell the truth in order to remember pertinent details. Joran not only lied about his whereabouts, Natalee's involvement with him in the wee hours but he changed his story countless times. He enjoyed sending people on a wild goose chase only to find out he was not telling the truth. His reaction? A smile. He enjoyed toying with the investigators. His reaction to them was one of dismissal. It gave his ego a great boost to frustrate the people in authority over this situation. He was letting them know he was in control. He saw them as below his level of intelligence. He has had a lot of practice with this. You don't come about this type of behavior, at this level over night. He was too confident in what he was doing. He more or less did the same thing with the investigators in Peru but his charade didn't last long and he soon unraveled. Why? Something was missing. The key piece of his game was no longer there. His father.

During the Aruban murder investigation, Mr. Van Der Sloot was right there. He, at first, appeared to be the kind of dad anyone would want, to be there come what may for their child. To see my point in how Joran got to where he is today, you need to look further. Joran's father did a lot for him in those coming months. He was tireless in helping the world see that his son was innocent. Who wouldn't, right? I'd spend every last dime I had and probably not sleep if Carli were in a situation where she seemed to be the sacrificial lamb for a terrible crime that had been committed...if she were innocent. Mr. Van Der Sloot did something else. He tried to work the system to get his son exonerated. He threw money at it, he used his political clout in Aruba, he hired the best lawyers, his own investigators, but he wasn't really trying to prove Joran's innocence. He was trying to get him out of the trouble he was in. There is a big difference. You see, Joran knew that is exactly what his father would do. He had a lot of confidence in that. Why? Because Daddy had done that before, many times I would surmise. He didn't for one second, question whether or not someone would help him. He knew whom he could count on....only now his father is dead. The Peruvian government is not anything that anyone he knows can circumvent, no one is throwing money at this, no one is in front of a camera, tearfully pleading on his behalf. In fact, at the time of this writing, I don't believe his mother has been to Peru nor has he spoken of her. Interesting...the Joran of today is afraid for his life, scared and left on his own. That must be terrifying if you've never had to live out the consequences of your actions before, especially as an adult having to do this for the first time.

The relationship with Joran and his parents, his coming to know how they would react came from a long history in his upbringing. These behavior patterns start very early. I can clearly see how this all started in the Van Der Sloot home. I see how this can start as I observe children interacting with other children at the playground and their parents' reactions to their behavior toward others. The culprit? Passive Permissiveness.

Passive Permissiveness is easy. I find myself contemplating it often, to be honest. I am tired, I am sick of saying 'no'. I even try to count in my mind how many times I've told Carli that word in a given day. I think it is the most commonly used word I have uttered as of late other than the word 'yes' when I hear the name, Mom, coming from my daughter. I can hear the name Mom at least 50 times before lunch, I swear. Point being, maintaining order is a great task when it comes to our children's behavior. Sometimes, it is easy to just overlook an infraction because you just can't "go there" one more time. Permissiveness is an easy pattern to fall into because it's easy. What's the harm, right? Well, easy patterns are of course easy to fall into, especially when working parents come home from a long day at the office. You had meetings that ran late, your boss was unhappy with your report, coworkers and employees misbehaving. The last thing you want to do, over dinner, when sitting down for some peace and quiet is to have to dole out instructions for something you have told your children not to do for the one millionth time! I understand it all perfectly, I was there. I came home one night after a long day. My then toddler wanted to play with the salt shaker. I had told her countless times not to play with it. I always took it away from her when she did. This time I handed it to her to keep her quiet. I just wanted to be left alone. I knew what I was doing but I didn't care. It became very hard to train her not to reach for and play with the salt and pepper at the table after that. In later, similar situations involving condiments for entertainment at the table it became a battle of wits and tempers with her when I said no. Why? Because she had learned in certain situations I would relent and she wanted to find out how to make that happen again.

Does it really matter? I would submit, it does. Not keeping our children in check and holding them accountable creates grave behavior patterns that cannot be reversed over time, either by them or by you. Not holding children accountable means you are going to try to make situations go away, like trying to explain to a teacher why your child's report isn't done on time. What is the harm in that, really? Your child doesn't understand that when you don't do what you need to do on time, you get an "F" and you teach them that it is okay to lie and get around rules if given a set of circumstances. Do you really want to model behavior that you would usually punish them for? It's so easy to spackle over things rather than deal with them but over the long haul, both you and your children will pay for it. Joran's parents never intended to create a monster. Little chips in the mortar, one at a time, over the years make the brick wall crumble.

Where Have You Been CareerMomma?

2010-02-12T09:28:00.002-05:00

So long since we last spoke, I know. Lots of things have changed my life since my last post. I remain faithful to my mission, to give working parents a voice and a hope that work/life balance will be the reality not the buzz word of the decade. So what happened?

My dear husband Greg was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure at the ripe old age of 37. I was in the middle of rebuilding my illustrious career as a business woman post-pardom when this happened. I was a sunny day in April. The winter blahs were giving way to the hope of warmer weather and fresh air. Devastated and scared, I threw myself into work in an effort to escape and be the breadwinner. Greg was not getting better. His fear of death and his family's fate was a reality that sent him spiraling into crippling depression pretty regularly. It was so hard to watch a happy, funny guy that everyone loved being around diminish into a spare bedroom to live on a futon in front of the TV in silence at every available opportunity. I was sad for him and also angry that this condition had taken so much of my husband. I had a stranger living in my house. A house guest who had over stayed his welcome and I wanted him out and the old Greg to move back in. That never happened.

Marriage difficulties can only be expected with the amount of stress it takes, having a sick spouse. As more and more of the crushing burden weighed on our relationship, the more I threw myself into work and a business plan I had decided to put into action. I often fell asleep at my laptop. I pursued every available escape I could. I felt as though the world was strapped to my back every day. I had to do something, to show him that Carli and I would be "ok". I could make it happen and be on my own. I didn't want him to worry but this thought process separated us emotionally even more. We fought. He got distant and I got bitter. Didn't he know how important my career and my goals were?

Greg's passing was a tidal wave that washed over me on a beautiful summer afternoon. I knew this would come. I thought of what it would be like but I couldn't have possibly prepared myself. What I imagined was a misting when in fact, it was really a hurricane of emotion headed my way. I thought I had already mourned. I wasn't even getting started. Regret, guilt, sadness and confusion were daily beatings I took on. It is hard to lose someone so close and even harder when the relationship was not where you'd have liked it to be. That one last conversation that would have fixed it all, it wouldn't happen. There really is no such conversation but it is nice to think of when you have nothing left to do.

I couldn't throw myself into work any more. Being a single mother took too much time. Either work suffered or my relationship with Carli did. I had to make a choice, I made the best one. I am not a Director of Sales any longer. I am a Freelance Writer. I'll be telling my story of business, career, motherhood and reinvention of self in my blogs and my upcoming book. I hope you'd join me. Nice to see you again my old friends!

Giving Back For Real

2008-08-12T20:27:00.003-04:00

I am a big believer in Pay It Forward. The idea that I can pass on what I have so generously been given resonates with me in a way that only an underdog can appreciate. Being able to share experiences and inspire others to the greatness is divinely inspired.

There is a cry out there for help. Lots of non-profits out there are geared toward helping women from financially disadvantaged situations gain education and worthwhile employment. These women are largely single and have not had the privilege of secondary education, if they have even finished High School. Crittendon Women's Union in Boston, MA. is such an organization. Advocacy, education, family services and temporary housing are the mainstays that help disadvantage women regain financial independence.

What does an organization like this need? Perhaps you guessed, volunteers. Volunteers, ladies. I know how busy a working woman is these days. Believe me, I have to schedule a simple coffee with my cousin at least 6-weeks in advance. I could lay the ole' 'If it were you...' thing on you if it were that simple, but it isn't. What is behind volunteering to help a woman in these organizations is breaking the cycle for her children. You are helping a mom be able to be with her children, show kids that their mom can achieve despite the odds, prove the value of education and help a family flourish. The future of our country depends on as many children (especially in urban areas) see the value of education and nuclear family as we can. In a time of educational turmoil where extra-curricular activities and art-based programs are being cut from school budgets children need to see the benefits of sticking with their educational career. Nothing will help them see that than a mom who has worked hard and seen it pay off. These women are desperate for a successful woman to take an interest in them and show them that they too are worthwhile and can add value to society not matter what their past has looked like.

What can you do? Volunteering can be as simple as being available to help with resume writing, teaching computer skills or being a supportive ear. Programs for At Risk Families can be found by calling your state department or a simple web search. Some programs are only looking for 1-4 hours of your time a month. The rewards are so monumental. Giving back what you have been given, imparting wisdom, helping someone have a future, to me is worth more than any lost hour spent in front of the TV.

You can also give back and help out politically if mentoring and teaching is not your speed. The AFL-CIO has a wealth of information on how you can get involved politically to protect the rights of working families, particularly the working poor. If you'd also like to see how our presidential candidates stack up on these issues, I invite you to log on to the AFL-CIO website to find out more.

Ladies, we can't progress as a nation unless we are all progressing together. What we do today to inspire, esteem, educate will dictate the future of our nation. They are not someone else's family, the are 'We the People' of the United States of America.

I have recently signed on to be a mentor for the local Home for Little Wanderers. This organization houses, educates, counsels and finds foster and adoptive homes for in some cases, children who have been abandoned by their families. These young men and women are in great need of an adult who can show them they are worth the time, the energy and the love. An ounce of prevention in my opinion. The direction and love I show now may mean another young lady doesn't wind up on the streets or worse. If I can reach just one it will be worth it.

Please find it in your heart to give back? Haven't you been given so much?

A Closed Mouth Gathers No Foot

2008-08-05T20:09:00.005-04:00

Anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new boss proved fruitless. The first day came and went with no new boss. I asked the General Manager what the hold up was. "You didn't get my email?" he chirped? She had rescinded her acceptance of the offer. The excuse? Her current employer countered with a $60,000 increase in her salary. I don't buy excuse for a second but I am a skeptic. If it's true, I would love to know what it would take to get a job there.

Since I was next in line for the throne, I awaited my next meeting with my supervisor on the subject at hand. That also came and went. I wondered of course, where did it go? I had to find out. I consulted one of my known offices sources for information. I asked my friend Donna who was helping with the interview process of new managers. She'd know. I usually saddle up to her cube in the morning for daily pleasantries over coffee so she'd suspect nothing of my inquiry. "So what happened to Kathryn?" I aske with raised eyebrows and an innocent twist to my face. "She changed her mind" she flatly replied, also adding "they gave an offer to the other guy." Other guy?! What other guy? The other guy is the gentleman that no one liked when they interviewed him. Why hadn't they gone back to me? That would be the natural question. Donna also helped the angst by asking me the very question, "Didn't they come back to you?" I hated to answer. I could hardly lift my eyes from the floor. Chewing my lip, I bid her 'good day' and went back to me desk dazed by the unanswered questions in my mind.

The phone rang about a week later. It was my friend Allison. I used to work with Allison. We were office mates. She was my mentor early on in my career. I prize my relationship with Allison, maybe even a little more than she does. We have been friends through job changes, moves, marriages, divorces, kids, you name it. I count on her counsel. While we are close, we haven't spoken much lately in the last year or so. It was good to hear from her until the end of our conversation. Just as we were winding down she asked me why I didn't tell her that I had applied for the Sales Manager position at my office. She previously held that position in another office so it would make sense to ask me how come I didn't tell her. I matter of factly replied that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. The next few sentences leveled me. She said, "You don't want that job, in fact that is what I told Jay (the Assistant General Manager in charge of the hiring for the job I wanted) when I saw him last week." I couldn't breathe. She went on, "I told him that he knew you wouldn't be happy in that job and he agreed after I talked to him." I was stunned. I must have looked like someone hit me with a brick. Holding the phone to my ear, my eyes darted back and forth as I listened. I was desperately trying to find something to say. I couldn't. I couldn't interject, yell, scream, cry or laugh. Me, the one with the quick lines and the great comebacks had nothing. I wanted to ask a question. Why would she do that? Why would she stand in the way of a promotion I wanted? Why in the world would she say something like that after the roller coaster ride I had gone through of being interviewed, rejected, awaiting the boss who's job I wanted, then hearing that she'd rescinded and not getting a second shot. After all this, why? It was pretty simple really. Her conversation with my boss, Jay, was meant to be candid and meaningless but in the end, it was the damning conclusion that my might-have-been promotion came to.

So it ends? This remains to be seen. Now, I get to face the next new boss, candidate #3. The boss who's job I wanted, who wasn't even a consideration until one innocent conversation took me out of the race. I believe in nothing happens for a reason but still, it smarts.

Character: When No One Knows You

2008-07-30T22:07:00.004-04:00

It's interesting to me how many facets a person has. There is the Work Me, Mommy Me, Wife Me, Daughter Me, Friend Me, Sales Rep Me, then there is the me that the world sees. The world who doesn't know me. That Me is a face in the crowd. The world's only opinion of that Me is squarely grounded on what kind of experience they have with me whether it be calling a customer service line to complain about my cell phone service (or lack there of) or responding back to the checkout girl at the grocery store with "I am good and how are you?".

I am always baffled when I startle a store clerk out of their customer greeting routine by not only answering their stale "how are you today?" with "good, how are you?" and actually look at the questioner and wait for a response. You'd be amazed at the smiles and levity in the conversation during my grocery bagging time between me and the checkout personnel. They even remember me when I come in. Why? Because that Me was a good experience and they are more or less expecting that Me to come back when they see my face in the store again. They wouldn't expect any less. To them I am a "nice lady".

Let's reverse it. What if they asked the time worn question again and I responded by raising my voice and complaining that the grocery carts were all wet from being left out in the rain, I couldn't find my favorite yogurt and that there were not enough lines open at checkout for the 100th time. They'd remember me alright and they'd be hoping I didn't come in when they were working! My face in their line would be met with distress and sighing. They would think I was a miserable person who was out to make everyone in my path join me in my bitterness. What a thought. Do you think those out there that complain and shout get up the morning and say, "Gees who can I make miserable today? Let's spin the Wheel of Misery and find out! OH! It's the grocery store clerk today." You would think so if they always came in with a sour lemon face and a porcupine personality.

It can be so easy to get messed up in problems of the day, week, life and find yourself in that little self-focused bubble that helps you forget everyone around you. It seems that the worst day of your life has an interesting way of being met with the newspaper sales person who has called you at dinner time for the umpteenth time this year. Wait...pause...breathe. Boy, it would be so easy to fire off and hang up. Who are you hanging up on? A single mom who hasn't seen her kids all day working a 3rd job to make ends meet? A kid who is trying to put himself through college? A person whos best friend died just days ago? We never think about these scenarios when faced with the anonymous person who interacts with us. To us, they are Anonymous Them and we have no idea who they are. To them we are Anonymous Us, the unfeeling, uncaring person who treats them like garbage for inconveniencing us.

Next time someone asks "how are you?" please recognize the person behind the question and the job and answer with a smile. There is a person behind that face. That life that has seen all kinds of things and you just will never know where they have been but trust me, they've been there. How do I know? Because I've "been there". Haven't we all? How about a smile and a "hello" for the office cleaning personnel whom you know doesn't speak english. It doesn't matter if they know what you said or how to respond. A smile is universal, everyone knows that language. There should be National Smile Day. I think we would all feel better.

Career on the Back Burner?

2008-07-21T19:40:00.003-04:00

At the behest of his wife, my husband has been pursuing a different employer as his current position, while solid and benefit laden, offers no room for advancement and little job satisfaction. It is one of those jobs that his father's generation would have envied, in fact his father is pretty incensed that he would like to leave. Why would he want to with a pension, a cost of living increase of 1% every two years, discounts galore at local merchants, etc. Problem is, he hates it and he'll be there a million years before he ever gets a promotion because no one leaves. It's a graveyard and he knows it.

He is meeting this week with a new employer and the HR department to discuss salary for his new position. This could be a really nice increase, a chance to work at a world-renowned hospital and opportunities to do the kind of work he has been wanting to get into. This of course is what I wanted for him. I am thrilled that he has this opportunity and especially more money, to be honest.

His brainstorming over dinner took me by surprise. He excitedly guessed at what he would likely be offered, what they would say and when he would start. Of course, I hope all of his guess work becomes reality, except for one. His announcement that with what he should be making that I can leave my full-time position and that I wouldn't need to work full-time. Uh, did I say I wanted to give up my career entirely?! Wasn't it him that up until recently said, "Britt, you know you are not the kind of person to be relegated to the barracks every day". He balked when I wanted to stay home initially after I had my daughter two years ago. In fact, we even had some pretty heated arguments about it. I reluctantly went back to the office. Now, I enjoy my work and my brain exercise that I get every day. Getting dressed for the office does have its 'feel good about yourself' perks as well.

I had only days ago mentioned to him, the idea that I had of offering my consulting skills to my current employer on a part-time basis. I thought if I could offer them my skills part-time and also secure other part-time work with other locations also consulting I would have exactly what I wanted. I would have full-time pay and the flexibility to work from home full-time and have the full say on how, where and when I worked. I thought it sounded great! Now, the idea is talked down to and something I should only seek out if it is going to be full-time.

This dinosaur is just not ready for the bone yard. I know that I can do rewarding work, balance my life with my family and earn an income and it doesn't mean waiting tables unless I want to. I resent the idea that I have to either pursue a full-time career at a full-time job with no flexibility or work at the local diner. I think taking your talents and turning them into "be your own boss" money-making is genius and I know lots of women who do it.

Does it always have to be a choice?

Your thoughts:

New Boss Woman Cometh

2008-07-14T19:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a blissful day. A day of purging closets, toy boxes and all out onslaught of cleaning. I love these days, the feeling of bagging up that which has overstayed its welcome in my closets and donating it to be adopted by the next person. I would prefer the recipient to be a person in need. The feeling of passing on gives me a lift as I put things into bags and discover clothes I thought I got rid of by accident lurking in the back corners of my closet. After I moved the clothes around I got out the cleaning supplies, the smell of clean wafted around my house.

I was just on my last carpet to vacuum when I remember what tomorrow was. The new boss's first day. I was gripped a little by the tightness in my throat recalling this ominously approaching day. I thought I had gotten over this looming emotion of "what will she think of me?" and "what will she be like?". I wanted to wear the big girl panties, strut in there with hand extended and heartily welcome her aboard despite my losing the position to her only weeks ago.

I had visions of me being the oak tree of fortitude and integrity on her first day. No worries here, glad to have her better still. Maybe she would ask me for a hand? All would see, I was the better for the whole experience. The sweat on my palms as I almost rammed the vacuum into my closet door reminded me that I wasn't quite out of the woods of post promotion -losing scorn. I hated myself for the realization.

It is amazing how I seemed to take great care in doing my hair and makeup Monday morning. Even if I did lose the position to her, I could still be the better looking one. That would really chap her! How juvenile I can be in moments of insecurity. I made sure I was pressed, polished and in early.

I sat write down and started charging through work. I chirped on and on with each call to my client base. She would see just what an asset I was. I hoped she would considering I had spent my whole drive in with day nightmares that the first thing she would do was fire me before her morning coffee so as to make an example and get rid of the one she knew would give her trouble. She got the job, no need to see me going around sulking. Yes, she would cut the fat right then and there. I would be the sacrificial lamb to the rest of the sales team a sign that she meant business about turning this department around. Either take heed or meet the same fate. That was my morning, I barely paid attention to what was on the radio over the incessant rambling and scenarios in my head. My new boss would be like Leona Helmsley as far as my imagination was concerned.

I heard this new voice over the cube walls all morning. She sounded nice. Sweet even. I dared not go over. Then, why did no one take her around and introduce her? The suspense was killing me. Around 10AM I swallowed hard and walked over. Smoothing out my dress, I plastered on a smile and peered around the cube wall. I was greeted by the Marketing Manager and...her new report.

I was wrong about today, the new boss woman starts on Thursday. All that gut-turning nonsense for nothing. It taught me one thing though. If I think I am the nirvana-like mature one in the office, I better think again. Boss Helmsley or not, I can meet her with dignity or go in swinging and lose the respect of many. I like the Jackie O. look better than the Tanya Harding look any day of the week.

When the Love is Gone at the Office

2008-07-09T20:47:00.001-04:00

I have been working for my current employer for the past 5 years. It is actually 7 years if you count the two years I spent at their San Francisco Bay Area office. When I first started, I was a former EMT who had recently moved from Boston. I couldn’t work on an ambulance in California so I needed a career change. A friend had mentioned that one of his senior sales reps needed an assistant at his company. I didn’t know anything about working in an office or selling IT stuff but I did know I needed money so off I went to work for “Nick” answering phones and helping customers with questions.
My awkward first week turned into a goldmine. I went on to work for other reps and with the last rep I worked for I increased his sales by 50% in 6 months. Next I knew, the company was asking me to work for them as a rep. Me! I was so excited. I was in heaven. I was making more money than some of my friends who were lawyers and doctors. I couldn’t believe they paid me for this.
The “Dot Bomb” happened and I relocated back home. Now I had experience. I had clout. I had the most important thing when looking for another lucrative sales job; I had credibility and a good track record. The long hours and ulcer inducing work life were no sweat for me. I made up for it in late night outings with my coworkers drinking cosmopolitans and smoking cigarettes for dinner. As far as I was concerned, I arrived. But the Dot.com implosion continued right up until 9-11 where things got worse in the IT industry from there.
No worries, I landed back with my first company where I had started as a sales rep. The general manager at the Boston office knew me, heard of my success and was eager to bring me on board as a consultant helping his slumping sales ramp up quickly and train his current reps in a more consultative approach of which I basically pioneered in the Bay Area.
What could be better? I could be paid to tell other people how to do the work, participate when people came to me for answers and become an overpaid know-it-all. But life just doesn’t sustain that way, especially when pride and laziness are involved and I was no exception to the rule. 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant I had a meeting with general manager and the sales manager and me. I was told that they couldn’t financially sustain my position but that I brought interesting skills and knowledge to the company and they didn’t want to let that go. I was demoted (in my mind) to a sales rep again. I was not too happy to be doing the grunt work. I hadn’t done it in almost 3 years. I didn’t want to either but with a baby coming; I was in just as interesting a situation as I was when I started with this company in California. I needed money more than I needed to be comfortable in a position. Once again I reluctantly agreed.
Two years later, I hate it. I can’t do the long hours and I can’t have a cosmo and a smoke for dinner when I leave the office at 10PM on a Tuesday. I can’t even have a beer with coworkers after work without a two-week notice. After all, I am needed at home with my baby and I hate not being able to see her off to bed. No one asks me to lunch or out for drinks. I am too busy working to make up for the shortened hours. I used to be the “cool kid” in San Fran now I am the square mom. My how things have changed. I am looking for a job with a better commute, maybe out of direct sales but I come with so many caveats now. I can’t be in before 8:30, I can’t work past 5. I can’t travel a lot, and I’d like to work from home one or two days a week if I can. I really do need a flex-spending account and good healthcare. Notably, I am a little nervous. Do I still have what it takes to be the #1 sales rep in the office again? Do I want to be?
I am feeling washed up, used up and cranky lately but I am still being paid to do a job. I want to do a good job but I am wading through emotional marshmallow trying to rally and motivate. I think the key to getting through it is to just be honest about it. I am not pretending it’s okay. I show up, I do the job and I go home. I talk honestly with my friends and husband about how I feel and I keep it to myself at work. Maybe this feeling will pass or it won’t but whatever happens, I don’t want my integrity tarnished as a result of how I feel. No one admires a coworker who habitually complains about being unhappy and ‘looking’. Just because I don’t feel like a million bucks every morning at work doesn’t mean I need to make everyone around my cube feel miserable for it.

CareerMomma Goes on Vacation

2008-07-01T13:11:00.000-04:00

The Vacationing Business Momma
I haven’t had a vacation since my maternity leave, if you’d like to call that a vacation. When the proposition was made for me and my family to join 9 other families for a beautiful vacation on Cape Cod, naturally we enthusiastically accepted. When I thought of my impending trip on the 6 long months leading up to it, my mind would drift back to my childhood. My grandparents had a beach house on Cape Cod that we spent much of our summers at. The salt air, steamed lobster dinners, walks down the beach at night, the sea air mustiness about everything you could smell, and my favorite, hydrangeas. My grandmother had a gigantic hydrangea bush. With all those memories whirling around in great anticipation, I could almost feel the sun on my face during my long miserably cold New England winter. My trip to “The Cape” would be oceanside nirvana.
I seemed to fail to comprehend all that I’d need to pack and prepare, that is up until a week or so before our trip. Traveling for two was relatively easy in vacations past. This time, I had a toddler and all the necessary toddler things to take with us on the h 1.5 hours drive to our destination. Thank goodness our travel time was short because with the entire load of luggage, toys, travel crib, stroller and all kinds of other paraphernalia I was getting worried that my small family of 3 wasn’t going to fit into my modestly sized SUV. I never thought I’d have a use for that factory-installed roof rack until now.
When I told my friends that I would be vacationing with 9 other couples, most of them with at least 1 child, I would get a look of fright from my listeners as I chirped on about my trip. “Are you sure that this is a good idea?” or “Have you done this with them before?” were some common questions I got. I waved them off. No, this was going to be a marvelous vacation, despite any problem child or personality that may be vacationing with me. The personality and problem child I didn’t anticipate would be my gorgeous little sweet baby girl. What in the world happened to this child from the time we left the house until the minute we walked up the stairs to our living quarters is beyond me. My smiley, bright blue-eyed little darling developed a severe attitude problem over the course of the next 72 hours. Frequent whining, crying and a few all out nuclear meltdowns threatened the Zen-like morning coffees that I envisioned. The only thing that seemed to work for my precious Butter Cup was stroller walks through and around town. This is great for both of us actually. She gets to calm down and enjoy some scenery and I get my exercise in. I didn’t know that I could walk 10 miles a day and still be able to stand but I have proved that I can on this trip. I gladly spent 10 bucks on silly shark-faced bubble blower at a 5 and dime in order to keep her toddler tantrums at bay one morning. Money well spent to not hear shrieking from the stroller.
I also seemed to not comprehend that the world doesn’t have Wi-Fi in every corner. I came to this stark realization when I remembered it was Monday and I had articles due to my publishers and no way to send them. A little exploring revealed that the local library has Wi-Fi in this sleepy little village-by-the-sea. I promised that I would not check work email, and I haven’t. I can’t anyway so there is no fighting it. The office will have to carry on without me. I am sure that it will anyway, despite my long list of “make sures” for my support person and my colleague who is caring for me client base whilst I beach this week.

The nirvana vacation in seaside utopia is neither of those terms but it has been fun, challenging, exhausting, hysterical and chaotic with times of relaxation and quiet mixed in. All things considered, I still wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I am however, for once in a long time just a teeny bit looking forward to the office next week and of course, sporting my new tan.

Lessons in Losing

2008-06-17T22:19:00.006-04:00

When you lose, don't lose the lesson. It sounds trite but it is simple advice that can really change your life if it is put into application. You need to pause between the words 'lose' and 'don't'. If you don't pause, you will lose the lesson in "don't lose the lesson".

I was approached by my supervisor a couple of weeks ago. He is my supervisor now but until just 3 or 4 weeks ago, he was my peer. An announcement came out of nowhere from our General Manager that my friend had received a promotion to Assistant General Manager. I was thrilled for him. A little confused by why we needed another layer of management between the Sales department and the General Manager but I was sure they had their reasons and he deserved it. Life was good at work.

About a week later, I was approached by my friend-turned-supervisor about a promotion opportunity for me. He eagerly told me that my name had come up at the recent management meeting as a likely and stellar candidate for the open Sales Manager position. It was a little awkward for him to bring it up because as my friend, he knew that I was looking to pursue another opportunity and wasn't sure that I would want it and if I didn't how would he smoothly convey that message to the General Manager without tipping my hand that I might be leaving.

I wasn't sure I wanted it. I stood my ground on my flexible schedule. The General Manager doesn't like flexible schedules as a general rule and also demolished the ability to work from home on a regular basis shortly after she was hired. I said to my friend, "not one more hour in the office, not one". My hours are 9 to 4 and that won't change. I went on to say inspirational things like leading a team means you don't have to manage metrics and inspiring greatness corrects attitude problems and overcomes ruts. Coaching would be my staple, my mainstay. I was hired by the company originally to analyize, assess and build strategies for these sales reps. before so I had worked in that kind of role with them. They knew me. They knew me for the last 5 years. They know the knowledge, the skill, the commitment, etc. I had done a pretty good job of swaying my supervisor, as well as, me.

The next week was a high. In my mind, I had the job in the bag. So did a lot of people. Congratulations came cross-departmentally from other managers. It seemed as though the interviewing process was just a formality on the way to assention within the organization. Sure, I took my interview seriously as I would any other although I wasn't nervous. I didn't flinch when my coworkers interviewed me. Life was good at work. In fact, why did I ever think of leaving?

Last week slapped me in the face. I knew my competitor for the position was from the outside. She was a General Manager at a company who is in a related industry. Her company's focus was, however to sell to the consumer. My company's bread and butter is the B2B space. I wasn't rocked. Not until Friday when my friend had to explain to me at 2PM that the interviewing coworkers wanted to go with her. That stung. She had a lot of experience with managing people. I didn't understand why that mattered, lots of Sales managers have come and gone in my organization since I have been there and only two were effective. That is two out of about 7. The last 3 were a blur because they offered nothing and didn't even make a smudge mark on the organization as a whole.

My friend assured me that she would probably come in too high on compensation and that the position would still be mine. Great, now I am sloppy seconds. Not what I had anticipated. I was 'better than nothing'. That isn't what anyone said but that is how I felt. I didn't want to the be consolation prize. I wanted to cry, go home, be angry, hate my coworkers, withdraw. Oh would this day end already? The final hour of work just couldn't finish fast enough.

I rallied on Monday morning on my way into work. I could have the job still, it wasn't so bad was it? So I wasn't the first choice. I would prove myself then! Yes, in time they would see that I really was the best choice. They would be so thankful that it worked out the way it did.

Turn the other cheek. The second slap came so hard that I couldn't breathe for a second. Did that just happen? The conversation I heard left me feeling stunned and bleeding. "Amanda, can you set up the cube for the new Sales manager?" She replied, "Yes. Is her name Kathryn?" (by the way, that isn't me) He chirps back, "Yes". Mind you, I sit on the other side of the cube wall from Amanda and right behind my friend. So I didn't inadvertantly walk in on someone's conversation in their office, it happened right in front of me.

Still maintaining somewhat of a composure, although I wanted to run out of the office crying, I instant messaged my ex-friend now supervisor. "Not for nothing, but it would have been nice if you had taken me aside to tell me that I didn't get the position before I had to witness your conversation with Amanda." He bounded over to my cube with a half-eaten granola bar in hand, almost laughing his response through his mouth full of breakfast, "Oh, sorry Britt. Well, you know with everything that I have been doing lately, it just slipped my mind". I couldn't even look at him when I replied "OK". I wanted to leave all day. I wanted to yell, tell everyone what a horrible person he was, what injustice was done to me. I wanted to know that I didn't appreciate such a lack of respect and I wasn't putting up with it! I spoke to my coach/mentor on the way home and delivered my sad story. She simply said, "Do you think this is something you can laugh about one day?" Alyce just has a way of disarming me and helping me listen, focus and really evaluate a situation in about 2 seconds. Everyone needs an Alyce. "Maybe tomorrow, Alyce" was all I could muster but I had to take a look at what the problem really was.

I was mad because I was too over confident and proud about my accomplishments and naturally assumed that no one could possibly do it any better. I expected that my friendships at my office would earn me the job or make up for a lack of something should another candidate come along. I was wrong. My coworkers are just like me. They are tired of ineffective Sales Managers and they want change. Me too. I am not saying I can't do it or I am not capable. My coworkers want to see if Kathryn has what it takes to turn this ship around. I would want that too.

I also spoke to another trusted advisor, my coworker Dan. Dan is old enough to be my father but worldly and experienced at life enough to relate to anyone. Dan and I spoke and I, as diplomatically as I could, expressed my concern. He quelled my hesitation in embracing Kathryn by simply telling me that if I really wanted to see in our sales organization what I think needs to happen to be successful, that Kathryn has also stated similiar concerns and has conveyed a confidence that she can do it. Dan said without saying aloud, "Britt, keep your mind open and give her the fair chance she deserves". After all, I made similiar statements to lots of coworkers when new Sales Managers came in. Don't prejudge, think openly. Wouldn't I want someone to embrace me in a new job? Of course I would! The team is salty from a lot of change in its organization, she is faced with a lot. I can be a help or a hinderance, I'd rather be a help.

Dan and I also spoke about some of my personal shortcomings as of late. He simply stated, as is his way, "apply what you know". Use the skill and the knowledge you have and demonstrate that it is a successful way to do business. I can do that, Dan. Help where needed but take care of your job role first. Wise advice, Dan.

So, I met with my friend and supervisor this afternoon to go over some things we needed to cover. Honestly, he looked relieved that we didn't have to break up a friendship over the events of this month and that he was forgiven for his gaff. I was relieved too.

The lesson -dignity and grace go a long way and be open to change even if it isn't what you expected.

I am glad that I got through this with honesty, integrity and authenticity. Considering the alternative, I can still walk into my office with my head up and eager to put to action all my great ideas...for my own success...for now.

Political Incorrectness of Working Families

2008-06-09T21:52:00.004-04:00

When Will Working Mothers Get Respect? I thought even for an edgy, opinionated writer that the title was well, a little too edgy and begging for daggered comments. Not so! I was enjoying the rather congratulatory comments, except for one. The commenter and I briefly volleyed and then one return comment crushed my spirit. Something to the effect of evaluating the working parent based on performance rather than on hours spent in the office was something to strive for but we, the United States, just wasn't there yet. Gasp! Not there yet? This is an idea who's time has not yet come? I retreated to think about what was said. Was I just too advant garde? Not even close.

Truth is, The United States business leaders opinions and practices toward the treatment of their working families is actually quite antiquated. In fact, over 169 countries across the globe have by far longer maternity leaves, guaranteed return employment even up to 2 years, government subsidized maternity financial benefits to ease the loss of income and even paternity leaves in some cases up to two months if the mother returns back to work. Those who may be scoffing at my data need only look to last month's Glamour magazine. Sweden still does corner the market on the Family Friendly government and I say Kudos to you Sweden! Not only do you give us IKEA but also hope that one day our own government will wake up around here and take a look at how other countries help their families 'across the pond'.

So how do our current presidential candidates stack up?

John McCain:
Now, I didn't expect to find some great forward-thinking ideas from the McCain camp on this topic and they didn't dissappoint. Some weak promises that soon became "No Comment" when pressed for more information. Seems as though McCain's interests aren't really for the working family, America. No big surprise there.

Barack Obama:
Ideas? He had a laundry list. A big list at that and I would be the first to slap him on the back and say, "well done" except for the fact that he has not been elected yet. We won't know whether or not he will make good on any of these ideas until he sits in the oval office, should he be elected. The other disturbing bit of info on our for-the-working-family man here is that he has yet to bring a bill before the senate. He is quite factually a novice at this kind of thing.

What is my prognosis? It is the same it always has been as far as I am concerned. Historically change at the local/state level that gets good press and has good success gets noticed nationally. When it gets noticed nationally, other states look to make similiar changes. When that happens, US government takes notice. If you doubt my theory may I remind you that I live in Massachusetts. Gay couples are more than welcome to obtain a marriage license and have an honest and legal marriage in this state. However, don't think of swinging by the convenience store for a quick pick up of champagne on your way to Town Hall for the important piece of paper, you can't buy alcohol of any kind in a convenient store here. Massachusetts legalized gay marriage and now others have or are heavily in the process of doing so. Who would have guessed it just 5 years ago that gay marriage would be a legal reality and that I still couldn't buy beer at the Quickie Mart?

Bearing that in mind, government for working families, policies to protect their rights and incent businesses to take care of them isn't at all new but it certainly would be improved.

Balancing the Gas Budget

2008-06-03T11:37:00.005-04:00

I was greeted this morning at my cube by two members of my Customer Service team who had asked me if I saw the news this morning. I have to admit that I don't like starting my day out with the news. It is usually only bad news and I'd rather my bad news in small doses to seep in throughout the day rather than one solid hour injected into my brain first thing in the morning. The look on their faces told me that bad news was about to be shared and I'd better take notice.

The gas prices, they stammered, projected to double or triple by the end of the summer. I didn't have time for math, my Customer Service Manager did it for me. $8-$12 a gallon. Okay, is that pesos? Lira? No, that is good 'ole US dollars. With those prices, I can't afford to drive to work. I already pay more for gas between me and my husband than our food budget. In fact, I pay one and a half months groceries in gas every month. Wondering why your food bill is higher lately? Thank our oil friends. Barely made it through last season's oil bill? Start saving now.

What is a mom to do with the gas prices off the charts and a job to get to? For some, an office job does allow the capabilities to work from home or at least remotely for one or two days a week. If ever there was a time to negotiate your flexible/work from home schedule now would be a great time to have a sit-down with the boss.

There is a strategy for this. The art of negotiation comes into play here. You can ask for what you want without making it seem like a demand or an ultimatum to the head Honcho. In negotiations, both sides compromise in order to reach an agreed upon settlement. That means, you will need to be willing to give up something as well in order to reach an agreed settlement in having flexibility in your work schedule.

The most important thing to stress to the boss is that you both want the same thing. What do you both want? You want the job done successfully. That means on time, on budget and at the same performance level and quality that they are convinced they would get if you were in the office. You need to be able to convey this message first. "Bob, I want to do as great a job for you as I have always done. I understand how valuable I am to your team and I have enjoyed your confidence in me as an employee" This says: "I do a great job, you know I do a great job, I understand that my value may cause you to hesitate on my request but you are confident in me and I value keeping that." Now the situation, "The current cost of transportation to the office has caused a great strain on my finances and I wondered if we could sit down and discuss some options to alleviate that before I consider asking for a raise in salary to meet the recent uptick in my cost of living." This says: "I still love my job but I am having a hard time paying to get to the office and I would like to find a solution in order for you to not have to pay extra for me to work here." Usually, bosses are greatly open to finding a solution to any problem that does not impact their budgetary constraints.

Offer a trial period. Let management know that you can show them it can be successful in a certain time period. If it isn't, they haven't bought into anything they can't go back on. Providing flex time isn't like a committment to marriage but you would almost sense that is the feeling when it gets brought up! Ask the boss how they would measure success. Create a plan that includes what you will be doing for a flex schedule, how long the trial will be and what the successful picture would look like when you reach the end of the trial period. Be prepared with a draft of your plan before your sit-down. Overcoming objections early is key to getting a "yes". Convey that your draft is what it is, a draft. You will create a final plan that accommodates their needs as well as yours and you will both have a copy of it.

For some, being out of the office is not necessarily an option. Consider asking for longer hours in favor of a day off once a week or twice a month or the possibility of taking work home that can be done at home. If all else fails, see how carpooling or public transportation may work in getting to work without destroying your financial stability.

The news is not projecting any relief any time soon on our gas crisis. Proactively finding a reasonable solution may just help both you and your employer wade through this time without panic ensuing. You might be surprised how open Management may be to the change if they haven't been before.

If you do have success, please share it with me!

The Critic's Report on OnRamps and Detours Forum

2008-05-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

I had been waiting in great anticipation to attend last week's OnRamps and Detours Forum at Bentley College in Waltham, MA. This forum was to be the "meeting of the minds" for women in the boston area on the topic of women returning to the workplace after taking a career break to care for their families. I couldn't wait to hear what was going to be said. There would be Keynotes, break-out sessions and rubbing elbows with local women in business. What could be better for a budding Working Families' Issues politician such as myself?
(cue the Star Spangled Banner, please)

Bright-eyed and somewhat bushy-tailed (I could have used more coffee and a printer that actually printed out my directions which ended up making me a little late), I practically ran into the Executive Dining Room at Bentley College. Bentley is a gorgeous small campus school that is known for Business and Financial studies. The first up was keynote speaker Sheila Lirio Marcelo, Founder and CEO of Care.com. They are a wonderful solution that helps families find quality child and elder care. I listened intently to her story of how and why she started her company. She is a vibrant, tidy intellectual who knows how to deliver a motivational talk. I was entranced, she was me I was thinking, right up until she started talking about her hours worked per day. A mere 12-15 did she say? Wow, that is a lot of hours spent at the office. I checked my program, she did have children, right? Doing my math, factoring in my hellish commute and hours my daughter spends sleeping that would equate to zero hours spent with Carli during the week. That's right, I said zero.

I was thinking she was the exception to the norm, unfortunately I was wrong. Plenty of women who spoke that day were working long hours, some had full-time nannies, or travelled very often. By very often I mean at least a week to sometimes two each month. Oh my stars!

I had recently turned down two job opportunities because I was required to be travelling a minimum of 5-7 times a quarter. That really means 5-7 times as long as nothing else comes up. That comes out to 7-9 times a quarter because, let's face facts, with Client Management something always comes up. Were the salaries sky-scraper high? You bet they were! I was just not willing to be away from my family that often no matter what they paid. To me, it just wasn't worth it. My pursuit is to help educate employers to get their heads around the idea of work/life balance not "say good bye to your family".

I realize not everyone shares my thoughts on travel and hours worked. Here is my conundrum. Do these mother/leaders in business offer real work/life balance solutions at their workplaces given that their sense of balance and involvement may be a bit skewed in light of their back-breaking schedules? I hope so, I really hope so. Otherwise, we really aren't offering much hope. It is up to us, gals, to make a better place in business for our daughters, should they choose to have children and also a career. I am convinced you can still do both. Do both sides have to give to make it work? Yes, they do. You can't pour two 2-litre bottles into a 16-ounce glass and not have a lot of spillage and mess! The point is, and I will pseudo-quote Sheila of Care.com here, you have to accept imperfection. If you want to do it perfectly, just save yourself a lot of frustration and accept that you won't. And it's okay.

Overall, the forum was wonderful. The forum's creator Meghan McCartan, was engaging, smart and amazingly hospitible despite running around like a crazy person, making sure everything was going smoothly. (I think Mom's have a PhD in that though) She brought together some great talent and tremendous role models who had very relevant things to say. The caliber of attendee was also outstanding. The group was big enough but not too large to be intimidating.
Well, done indeed, Meghan. One thing I would like to see is some Mom Business Leaders speak about successful Work/Life Balance programs for next year. I really don't feel like that happened last week.

Some sites of mention:

www.onrampsforum.com -find out more about an OnRamps forum in your area
www.forms4parents.com -founded by an attorney, legally sound agreements for childcare
www.educationandjuvenilelaw.com -specializing in Special Education law and consultation

Is The Part-Time Working Mom Really Helping?

2008-05-06T23:02:00.005-04:00

Work from home part-time?

I am not talking about the mom who works part-time somewhere to fulfill a part-time role. I am talking about a mom who stays at home and works part-time to fulfill part of a full-time role for next to no pay so she can fill some weird void.

I have been conversing with a gentleman lately who is also pre-launch with his company. He had been asking me about my mission. He was very excited to forward me an article from the Wall Street Journal on Stay-at-Home Moms who are filling part of full-time roles by doing the work for this role that can be done via the Internet. These particular women mentioned in the article were MBAs working for $21. an hour. $21. an hour!

Why am I upset? Well, my gentlemen friend was pretty taken aback himself. The problem is this. Moms with MBAs re-entering the workforce full-time are having a hard enough time finding jobs that pay what they deserve, meet their needs in flexible scheduling and desire to accommodate their child's schedules as well. With moms working for the same job for much less than the full-timer with the same degree would make, I hope you can see the very big problem here. The salaries will decrease as this trend gains popularity. We need to move forward not backward! What in the world is going on here. Stay home or go back to work. Don't cut the legs out from under the ones who need to or want to work full-time.

What do these trendsetting companies think of this new twist on job filling? Well it is an astounding success of course! I mean, to hire a collective group at a great discount to fill one job role with no benefits is truly the best scenario that a stockholder and budget manager could ask for.

What do the women who are being passed up for a full-time job think of this brilliant plan by Corporate America? Why don't you ask one? Women @ Work Network is a consortium of local groups geared toward helping the currently at-home mom who would like to re-enter the full-time job market. On Ramps and Detours is also a Boston-based forum and conference for the same demographic. I love their mission but I see this new trend as a knife in the tire of their new car.

Clearly my stance will be controversial to some. My appeal is to the masses. Try to see this from the point of view of those who struggle in the full-time realm. It is a great struggle, if you are one of the Stay-at-Home and yet want to work Moms you obviously don't get it. There are lots of things you can do at home or outside part-time that would utilize your skills without taking away from others. You made a choice, now stick with it.

For the article:
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/05/02/stay-at-homes-moms-fill-an-executive-niche/?mod=WSJBlog

Career Momma Investigates the Quest for Easy Dinner

2008-04-28T22:25:00.009-04:00

It seems that a growing craze these days are these places where you can put together meals in little baggies and containers and then take them home and make them at a later time. I have to admit, this did somewhat intrigue me when I first heard about it from a friend, but I didn't really do much in the way of checking it out. Now I think I see one variation of the concept in almost every town. I was thinking they must be on to something, they are cropping up faster than the crab grass on my lawn. Being the investigator, I had to see what the big deal was about.

Seems fun at first. They certainly are marketing to the working family. They sell visions of you getting together with your friends, laughing and leisurely putting your week's worth of pre-planned meals into all these little containers and strolling out with your dinners for the entire week. Simply take out of the freezer and "BANG-ZIP" a gorgeous, delicious homecooked meal that your family will rave about for days on end. I mean, who wouldn't want that? I come home after over an hour of driving home in traffic in a suit to a screaming toddler who wants both mom and dinner right now and would prefer to hug me with a fresh coating of macaroni and cheese on her hands and face. The very idea of being both Betty Crocker and Mary Poppins at the same time is pretty attractive. Not to mention, the idea of me and a few of my friends preparing dinner together. Sounds like working mom nirvana to me.

Then there is reality. As I said, I am an investigator. I did my homework. I wanted to know. What is the real difference between the supermarket and preparing things ahead of time on my own and going to these little Dinner-in-a-Baggie joints. There are quite few. I can tell you, if you don't want to watch your weight, cholesterol, or sodium, run (don't walk) to the nearest one. Oh wait, you need to sign up for an appointment. I don't need to do that at the supermarket. Can you imagine needing a reservation to do grocery shopping? That is another thing, this idea is not saving me a trip to the grocer. I have to do that for everything else anyway. You can't get milk and toilet paper at these places.

I looked up the meal plans online for a couple of these places. The meals sounded delicious. Then I read on. All I can say is "WHOA!". One item was a vegetable lasagna. One portion was about 400 calories, not too bad. Fat content, 27 grams. That is over half the calorie content from fat. The sodium? How about 1247 milligrams. Does this lasagna double as a salt lick? In fact, none of the items except for one at each website were anywhere nearly in the vacinity of health conscious. You might as well just skip the "cook it yourself" step and order take out. Which brings me to my next point. Not so cheap either. $15 or more dollars per family-sized meal of 3 servings seemed to be the norm. Do the math and then add up the rest of your grocery bill. As far as I am concerned no one is saving me any time for paying for the convenience. In fact, if I ate like that every night I'd be shopping for bigger pants in no time flat.

Okay so what then? I did go online and find some rather nice options. For instance, Trader Joe's has many wonderful pre-cooked and heat-and-eat selections and they are both delicious, usually health conscious with all-natural ingredients. Trader's isn't draining your wallet either and you can get the rest of your groceries there as well. Not to mention, I love Trader Joe's staff. They are always so friendly. How can you beat that? No Trader's near you? That's okay. I also checked out a nice website by the Healthy Choice people. http://www.healthychoice.com/ They advertise their products which are reasonably health conscious and they also have a section on their site for some great and easy recipes.

My suggestion is to pre-prepare your meals just like you would do at the Dinner-in-a-Baggie joints. You will need to plan for a couple of hours whether you do it at home or at one of these places. If chopping is so bothersome you can buy lots of produce already pre-washed, chopped and ready to dump into your baggie. Besides marinating your protein for a couple of days makes the meal much better tasting. There are also rice and potato products that come pre-cooked. Just microwave and pour into a dish. You can also pre-cooked organic rice at your local Trader Joe's or Whole Foods.

We can make some healthy and rewarding meals for whomever gathers around our table for dinner without making us crazy with some creativity and a little planning. It's worth it. What you get in return is a dash of "thanks" and a heaping of time well-spent with your family all at the table. To me, that is worth the Sunday afternoon of preparation. Bon Appetit!

CareerMomma Now Featured on Womenco.com

2008-04-23T10:37:00.003-04:00

My name is Brittany and I am a working mother. I feel like I should say that at some anonymous meeting somewhere as at times I occasionally feel powerless over it and it does make my life seem unmanageable. You know what I've learned though? My station in life only does that when I give it permission to and when I allow people, places and things to have a say in how I feel about myself.

I have been doing a lot of research on the working mother for the last year. I've been trying to understand her, trying to get a handle on her climate in society and business as a whole. I never even thought of her until the day I came back from maternity leave to hear that my flexible schedule that I was welcomed to as a Sales Rep who had achieved a certain status at her company was being rejected. Why? Well, it seemed obvious to my supervisor. How was I going to manage all of "this" AKA work, life and my new family. How I balanced my life wasn't remotely a consideration to my employer until my little bundle came into the world on September 22nd, 2006. All of the sudden how I managed my life and my career was of utmost concern from the top down.

As I started and continue my research, I see this is a common story. It seemed interesting to me that some websites for the working mother that I went on told an optimistic story, a dawn of a new era in which the working mom was thriving. Okay, where were they working? Who were they and how come I haven't met very many? Well, they are out there. Just ask the VPs of HR where they work. Their companies are stunning examples of success for the working mother. What else would they say "No, we are doing a terrible job addressing the needs of working mothers. By the way, when are you publishing your article so I can pack up my desk the day before?". You get the point. The women that work at these beacons of Work/Life Balance who get to take advantage of such programs are not the Average Jane laborer. They are the D levels and higher.

Okay, so what do we do then? Well, I am glad you asked. You are going to be hearing a lot about that from me. I am very engaged in political action that is trying to address this concern. If you don't know by now, it is a great concern to our economy and society. Read the book Restoring the American Dream by Dr. Thomas Kochan. It will give you great insight into how serious the problem really is. I recently interviewed Dr. Kochan and you can read that article on my blog: http://www.careerparent.blogspot.com/ for more information on Dr. Kochan and his research through the MIT Workplace Center.

Lastly, I can't wait to hear from you! Your input is critical to my research and my mission to building workable solutions and aleviating some the concerns about career motherhood. There is help out there. We just need to share it and come together. Nothing changes if we do nothing. You are not a victim. Working women and mothers are powerhouses for change. Put those two titles together and gather a few million of them around a cause and you have an unstoppable army.

HOOAH!

CareerMomma Goes to MIT

2008-04-17T20:31:00.005-04:00

If you are like me as soon as someone mentions MIT you think of skinny little guys with crazy hair and glasses that have been out of fashion for over 20 years, complete with button-down shirt and pocket protector full of pens. If you think that you are actually only partly correct. When my husband started working there I was having trouble picturing my big burly husband with a penchant for crass jokes in a sea of scurrying brainiacs who communicate in mathematical algorithms. I mean, my husband looks like every jock that picked on a brainiac in high school. As it turns out they have a world-class business school as well, Sloan School of Management which is where he works. They train up tomorrow's (and even today's) top business leaders in the world.

When I started on my endeavor with CareerMomma (or should I say, "it" literally hired me) my husband would continually ask, "What can I do to help you?". I honestly couldn't think of anything and he would look dejected when I would say, "nothing right now, you are doing a great job of being a very supportive husband". I had no idea what a great help he would be.

As I developed my idea of "What is a CareerMomma.com?" I decided to do some research and see, was anyone studying the Career/Working Mother? What did they say about them? Did they feel as I did that the Glass Ceiling that everyone told me was smashed on my way up the corporate ladder was merely covered in diapers so you couldn't see it? Well, I did find a great book on the study of working families. It is entitled, Restoring the American Dream; A Working Families' Agenda for America by Dr. Thomas A. Kochan. I wanted to give it a read and see what his research showed. I was desperate for some expert validation on what I had both witnessed for myself in Corporate America and what I had heard from other working mothers regarding their struggles to maintain homes and respect in the work environment. The book, simply put, blew my socks off!

Dr. Kochan sure did agree and then some. His research illustrates a much bigger picture than your place of work and more importantly what all this is doing to our country at-large. If you care at all about fixing the problem of work/family/life balance or our economy, for the love of Pete, get the book and read it. Don't get scared, it's easy to read. It thankfully wasn't full of terminology that you would only understand if you were in his industry. Being a visually oriented person, I liked the case studies in particular. They helped draw the picture for me.

So what about MIT? Dr. Kochan is a professor there. I had a great opportunity to be introduced to him just yesterday. Dr. Kochan was not what I expected of a professor from a leading academic institution. He was warm, charming, obviously very knowledgeable (I mean c'mon this isn't Community College) about our subject and very open to sharing his experience, and expertise. I sat in his large office, explaining what I was doing and asking questions. He had lots of books (lots of books), my little ADD brain was in over-drive and titles kept jumping out at me very time I looked at the shelves. I think I forgot half the questions I wanted to ask I was so involved in talking to him. He is very sympathetic to our cause and sees the way to change is for us to take action collectively. We can't do it alone and we can't wait for someone else to do it. Stay tuned and read the book! I'd let you read mine but it is highlighted, dog-eared, underlined and has notes and questions written in the margins. I don't think I did that much damage to any text books I ever had in my favorite subjects in school. In fact, I have never studied so hard as I have with this project. This is the best class I ever signed up for. I doubt I would have had the opportunity to meet Dr. Kochan if not for my husband, Greg.

If all goes well this week CareerParent Blog is going national! Womenco.com has asked me to contribute my writing once a week to their website. This is a great opportunity for us to get the buzz going on a national website and create more energy out there in changing working families for the better.

I'll leave you with one last thing. There was a yellow flower pot on Dr. Kochan's window sill. It kept grabbing my attention. One, because it was yellow and two, I could only see 3 letters that were on the front of it. G-R...(is that an "O"?). I finally figured it out. GROW. That is exactly what I have been doing these last few months. I feel like I have been reborn along with this project as I work with my partners to bring "her" to life. That is my suggestion to you. Want to feel inspired and renewed? Discover and develop yourself for something which you have a great passion for. You will not believe how much energy it brings to a tired mind!

Take Me to Your Leader

2008-04-11T10:39:00.004-04:00

Here is an interesting question:

Who are the leaders in your workplace? By that I mean, who do people seem to rally around and point to when they are looking for direction on how to feel about something? Who do people talk to most often when a change in their environment occurs? It is a very great chance that it is not the boss. In fact, I have never worked anywhere where it was. It is always the charismatic/alpha personality types. Wouldn't you agree?

This leader in your workplace has a lot of power to control the organization and I am willing to bet most Sr. Execs are not even paying any attention. After all, they really don't have any leadership titles usually. Just the Average Joe or Joan at the job, right? Not so fast. The AJ's of the world do a lot to set the tone in the workplace. In fact, they can pretty well convey to others how to behave in a situation, how to respond to a situation and how to feel about a situation without even realizing it. What is even more eye-opening, I submit is this. Who the real leader is equals what the team that comes around them is like. If your real leader is negative and mercurial yet your whole team is flocking around them like the Dali Llama whenever they speak out, you have a real problem in your work culture, not just a problem person to be dealt with. The fact of the matter is, when the real leader is reprimanded and conveys his or her victimization to the followers, the followers too feel victimized because they are emotionally attached to the leader.

It isn't all bad. When real leaders realize they are real leaders they need to ask themselves this. What attitudes and believes am I projecting on the team. How can I best serve them? What things about me need to change in order to better the team. It is critical to the success of your organization. Happy real leaders, make happy teams, make better work production, make quality increase, make bigger sales, make loyal customers.

I was at a mediocre training session last night and I left a little dissappointed thinking I hadn't learned much. As I write I realize I was quite mistaken.

Here is what I suggest:

Managers Et Al; quietly study who the real leaders are in your organization. Really figure it out. Identify them. Chances are they like their position so the next step should be easy. Find a coaching program that trains and works with High Potentials. Unless my name is Uncle Sam, in a year you should see very dramatic change in your organization. By forgetting about great managerial training as a quick fix for business problems and focus on who the real leaders are and training them up to be better influencers.

If you would like some referrals to start with:

Jean DiGiovanna -ThinkPeople
Ina Jubert -Wisdom Happens
Bill Joiner -ChangeWise

Dispelling the Bitch Myth

2008-03-31T21:15:00.003-04:00

I subscribe to a lot of sites for research purposes and to gather information. I am one of those women who likes to think I have my finger on the pulse of everything. In particular, I like to hear information from other business people as I am always seeking to perfect my skills and gain insight into how others succeed.

Last week I got a newsletter on one of my site subscriptions featuring a blog article entitled My Grandmother Was Right. Catchy title. Right about what? My curiousity of course got the best of me and I went in to investigate.

I was dumbstruck to read a blog telling her readers that Granny told her she had to make a decision. Either be liked by others or be a bitch and succeed. She goes on to write that she was recently reprimanded for her inappropriate behavior and her aggressiveness toward her employees while she was working on a project. The project got done, she didn't bother to tell us if it was done successfully or not because she was too busy spouting off about how she wouldn't have been able to complete her project without acting the way she did toward her project mates.

I have to say, without any shadow of doubt in my mind....SHE IS 100% WRONG! What was more shocking is that others chimed in on the comments with "right on sister" and other affirmative comments.

I have 10 years of experience in business. I have learned a lot in those ten years and I have made a lot of mistakes. I was one of those women who went on slaying my coworkers with sharp comments, exploding all over people when it "didn't get done right" AKA the way I would have done it, and criticizing others in an effort to get the job done. I might have completed what I set out to do in all those instances but I made quite a few adversaries and alienated a lot of people who could have helped me succeed. That kind of behavior does damage and leaves scars.

I read a book that changed my life Winning with People by John Maxwell. It was a real eyeopener and it helped me understand why I acted the way I did and what I could do about it.
I highly encourage you to read it. One principle Maxwell brings up is the Lens Principle -how I view myself is how I view others. If I see myself negatively then I will see others the same way. If I don't trust my judgement then I won't trust yours. Next, The Hammer Principle -don't swat a fly off your neighbor's head with a hammer. I was a hammer! I rode people into the ground trying to make a point. Do you know what happens when you hammer someone with your opinions and directives? They become very reluctant to approach you. Lastly, The Pain Principle -Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them. There are many other good takeaways in this book. If you work with people, are in a relationship with people, live with people, have family members, this book is for you.

What did I learn from those 3 principles? I viewed others negatively so I felt like I had to force them to do what I wanted. I wanted them to "get it" so I hammered them with my points and directions. Because I had work to do on myself I wielded my emotions on people when I felt threatened. What a recipe for disaster!

Since then, I have learned about me and learned to be with others. I build them up as best I know how. I empower them to think and lend their input and knowledge in how to do things better. I encourage them to participate. When someone has a different view, I think on it and then respond. I compliment people. When someone does a job well, I tell them publically. When someone needs corrective guidance I take them aside privately. I allow others to air concerns. I seek to esteem members on my team, members of other teams who work with me and the two women who assist me in work, daily. If I make a mistake in any of these areas I take them aside and make my amends. I don't allow things to fester. I hold myself accountable without exception.

How has this worked? Splendidly! People come to me, seek my guidance, bring things to my attention and replicate my behavior to others. This kind of relationship building builds great leaders and teams. People want to be lead by someone who makes them feel good, important and needed. I never have to hound anyone to do anything for me. They do it willingly and cheerfully.

What kind of leader do you want to be? The "go to" girl or the one that people would like to see less of. Do you want team mates who come by your desk to say "good morning" or team mates who hope you aren't around.

The choice is yours. I have been on both sides, I'll take the latter any day of the week. Good leaders get promotions and great opportunities. Bitches seeth over watching good leaders pass by them in the ladder of success.

Feeling cranky lately? Try this exercise. Find 3 people to sincerely compliment everyday for the next week. On day 3 email me tell me if it worked. It hasn't failed to make me feel so much better on day 1!

Nothing Like a Case of the Guilt

2008-03-16T20:03:00.002-04:00

Sunday night, I hate Sunday night.

I am always anxious on Sunday nights. Why you ask? It isn't the night so much as what I have to do. Get the clothes out for me and my daughter, Carli, pack our lunches, make sure all of the other paraphenalia are in her bag (heaven forbid we forget her Taggie blanket!) make sure my laptop gets into my bag, etc. You get it. I am paranoid that I will forget something. Also, I fret over the week. I am in Sales so I am always mapping out who I am pouncing on tomorrow morning for 'the close'. How does the anxiety pass? Well, it usually passes as I am getting into my car after dropping off Carli at 'school' (we don't use the D-word around here, my husband despises it) on Monday morning.

I realize now that I was wrong thinking that I hated dropping Carli off at school and that every other parent doing it never thought a thing about it. It's really hard some days for everyone and we all seem to feel alone with it. There were a couple of comments last week and some email that I received speaking about this very thing, Mother's Guilt. The reason for the guilt wasn't always the same but the feeling was. I decided to look into it. How widespread was this problem? Big enough for a whole chapter in the book entitled, Escaping Toxic Guilt, by Susan Carrell. It is probably worth a read. I did find the Mother's Guilt chapter and I am not sure if it made me feel better but it did make a powerful statement:

A mightier power and stronger Man from his throne has hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.[1865 W. R. Wallace in J. K. Hoyt Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations (1896) 402]

Our man W.R. Wallace was way ahead of his time. This quote is one main reason for our guilt. In fact, Ms. Carrell, in her book talks about mothers being responsible for shaping society as a whole and laying the moral ground work within it because how and what we teach our children about life in general is what they pass on to others. WOW! If I wasn't feeling the pinch then, I was after I got done reading 4 minutes of her book in Borders bookstore. Thanks, Susan. I am thinking we know this inherently and respond to it subconsciously. I, of course know that I am responsible for raising my daughter to be a godly woman, a moral person and a lover of people. I never really broadened that to think about how much that impacts society-at-large but according to W.R. Wallace we should be thinking that way and Susan Carrell says it's why we feel guilty. Go to bed thinking about that every night and you'll be washing down ambien with a vodka cocktail by the end of the week! Maybe I will go back and read that book after all. I would like to know that there is some relief in all this to pass on to my readers. Stay tuned on that.

Be of good cheer, if this is our purpose and why we feel guilty then we really do need to stick together. We have a big job to do, this raising of America! If you think that, please meet a few 10s of Millions of people who do too. I think you could find a few friends to connect with based on those numbers.

Here's to Monday morning...

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle Earns a Pay Check

2008-03-16T15:37:00.000-04:00

This blog is not for the faint of heart of weak of stomach HR Rep. In fact, what I am working on is born of the fact that I am tired of countless articles out there telling me it has never been so easy to be a working mother. From my experience, this is quite factually untrue. The Human Resource Departments of the world are telling magazines and newspaper columnists that they do a lot for their working parents. The women I talk to say "No" almost in unison.

The term 'Mommy Tracked' was something I never heard of until I was sitting in a circle with my newborn daughter at a New Mothers support group. We were sharing our thoughts on how our work lives will change as we re-enter the work force, this time with diaper bag in tow. I thought the experience I had with my supervisor was an exception to the rule. I discredited his sharp comments about "how was I going to handle the workload?" or "how was I going to make sure I was able to take care of the clients I had and take care of a baby?" and my favorite, "we had such great hopes for you and now we are concerned.." to the fact that he was a thirty-something single guy so he didn't know what he was talking about. I was so wrong. The term came out of the mouth of an Assistant DA. She said she felt as though she was now being watched carefully by her department now that she had her daughter. Imagine my surprise when almost all of the twelve women in my group nodded their heads in agreement.

The stories I have heard from other moms in the workplace mirror the stories I heard in my circle of new moms over a year ago. I continue to replay them over and over in my head. The telecommuting craze is great news...for people who aren't viewed by their employer as the primary caretaker of children. In fact, it is making it worse. Even if you can get those wonderful telecommuting schedules (and if course if your job could be done that way) it seems as though it is giving the employer permission to ask for even more of our time and valuable time taken away from by them already as we submit to our regularly scheduled work week. Now it is too easy for us to be brow-beaten into doing more when we return to our homes to see a bright-eyed little sweetheart anxious to spend time with us (sometimes for the first time today) into just checking the email one more time or making that one more phone call for fear of being asked "did you talk to so-and-so yesterday?" by the boss over morning coffee.

One of the worst stories I have heard so far was a poor woman who left her job for maternity leave and promised to return to her job in 12 weeks with the agreement between her and her employer that when she came back that she would work an abbreviated week. She returned just as she promised only to hear "sorry, there's been a change we need you here full-time". Well, the options were two. Work full-time or pack up your desk. Sad isn't it? No one even gave her the opportunity to see if she could have done the job just fine without being in the office 5 days a week. Interestingly enough, I don't know any better or more efficient multi-tasking go-getters than the working parent. Do you? Why? Because we have way more at stake than our non-parenting colleagues.

When does it stop? When does the working parent get valued in the workplace? Why is it when we need to be home with a sick child or take leave of work early to be at that soccer game that we get the look that tells us that our actions are not well-respected or thought of positively? I want to give you a voice and a say. I know you are out there and I want to hear your story. Please share it with me. I know I am not alone. The best friendships are forged in fire and change happens when 'the norm' gets to painful to stay with. Who's with me?